Grieving in Circles

The funny thing about grief when you're an ACOD is that it never seems to end. It just goes around and around... and when you think you've conquered the pain, there it is again.

You're grieving in circles.

Brooke Lea Foster said it best in her book "The Way They Were" (one of my favorite books specifically for ACODs. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should). The thing about grieving your parents' divorce is that it's a lifetime process. You may overcome one set of issues, but then a whole new set of issues appears. Maybe you've gotten accustomed to your parents' divorce but then one (or both) remarries. And suddenly there's a new face in the family and life is back to being surreal again. I felt this way when my mom remarried earlier this year (another topic for another post).

There are some who don't think the aftermath of a parents' divorce should be classified as grief. After all, no one died, right? 

Wrong. Something did die - a family unit. 

I'm not making light of those who have experienced death in their family. That's a whole different sort of grief and one that cannot (or should not) be compared to a parents' divorce. But to say ACODs aren't grieving is completely false. We grieve for what our family once was. We grieve for our parents' love - the love that we were borne out of. We grieve for some sense of normalcy, because as we all know, when parents divorce normalcy goes out the window (I like to call it the divorce crazies). Much of our grief doesn't actually stem from the divorce itself - it stems from the fact that nothing is as it once was. And despite the fact that we had no control over the situation, it will impact the rest of our lives.

Where am I going with this? I want all ACODs to know that it's okay to grieve. You need to grieve in order to move forward. If you're going through a parents' divorce right now and you feel silly for crying, being dramatic, acting childish, etc. - don't. It's your family to grieve and no one else's. And even though the grief may go around in circles and appear at times when you least expect, remember that grief is what makes us human. And the only way out is through.

How have you dealt with the grief of your parents' divorce? Or grief over another lost relationship in your life? Share your tips by leaving a comment below. If you don't want to leave a comment but want to talk privately, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Encouraging Advice

Some good advice from Brooke Lea Foster, author of "The Way They Were" (highly recommend this book, you can check it out on Amazon here):

"Divorce hurts at any age so allow yourself to grieve. When my parents first split up, I felt like my family was dying and the truth is...it was. It's really tough when you know you'll never spend Christmas as a family again or even eat breakfast on a Sunday together. So give yourself time to say goodbye. Adult children and young children experience our parents' divorces differently. No one covers the adult child's ears or lowers their voices if we walk into the room when family matters are being discussed. Parents openly burden adult children with their problems, treating us like friends. On their own for the first time in twenty years or more, parents need guidance and support. We teach Dad how to do laundry and cook a red sauce. We counsel Mom on dating. But adult children struggle in these roles so the earlier that you set boundaries and learn how to say no, the better off you'll be."

I hope these words are an encouragement to those of you struggling with your parents' divorce. Hang in there and know that things will get easier with time. And of course, feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com if you need a listening ear.

Divorce Still Hurts...Even When You're an Adult

I came across this article the other day and was very pleased to see that people are recognizing the pain that adult children of divorce are put through. Not everyone acknowledges that fact (something I've discussed in other posts, like this one). It's something that should be acknowledged, especially since later in life divorces are becoming more common. There are more and more of us out there...and even though we're adults I don't think we should suppress our feelings and act like this doesn't hurt like hell.

The article raises an interesting question about how ACOD's view their own relationships. Do you find yourself questioning your own judgment and wondering if you'll turn out to be like your parents (as if it's somehow genetically ingrained in you)? I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder those things. I question whether the amount of fighting I saw throughout my life will impact my own marriage. Will I someday jump ship if things get tough? I say I won't now, but what about in the future? How will I handle it when things get really tough?

I guess we don't have all the answers. Some ACOD's may repeat their parents' mistakes, but you know what I think? I think most of us won't -- because we've seen a firsthand account of what happens when you let your marriage go. We've seen the pain and instability it causes. We've been there and felt it. And I can't imagine any of us want to put our own families through that.

So stay confident in the fact that your parents gave you a rulebook -- a rulebook of what NOT to do. It's just as valuable as if they provided a model marriage...but more painful.

I've talked before about Brooke Lea Foster's book "The Way They Are" and how helpful it was for me as an ACOD. I just came across another resource today that I definitely plan on checking out:

Have any of you read this book? I'll be curious to see what the adults have to say now about their parents' divorce. In fact, let me open this question up to the blogger world. Did your parents divorce when you were young? If so, how do you view the situation now? How have your views changed? Feel free to leave a comment below or send an email to acod16@gmail.com.

Finding a New Identity

"In divorce, the beginning is the end--the last act in the theatrics of family, one final scene that steals away any reason for celebration."

"We are creatures of habit who rarely welcome change into our lives. Divorce thrusts change upon us, turning relationships we often consider the most stable upside down. It is a good-bye to the most familiar of things, including our own sense of self and the identities we have created for ourselves."

"Because our parents stayed together, happily or unhappily, for more than twenty years, many adult children of divorce believed that their families would continue to outlast others."

-The Way They Were, Brooke Lea Foster

I can definitely relate to the quotes above. That's why I recommend this book to anyone whose parents have gone through or are currently going through a divorce. It's the only book I've found that really focuses on adult children of divorce and the unique emotions we experience. I felt like the book was written especially for me and that gave me comfort. This book showed me that I'm not alone.

How many of us ACOD's can relate to the quote that talks about identity? For 20+ years our identity has been in our family. Now, that family is breaking up. Suddenly, you're left to piece together a new identity outside of your family. And that can be the hardest part.

I've really struggled to not find my identity in my parents' divorce. For the past two years, their problems have been my problems. And I've been miserable because of it. I've been trying to fix things for so long, that it's incredibly frusterating to realize they can't be fixed. My parents' marriage and what they choose to do with it is outside of my control, even though it impacts my life significantly.

So how do you form a new identity? First, by breaking away from your parents' situation. Most of us have been asked to get involved in some way--whether verball;y or nonverbally. Our parents will drag us into the mess by badmouthing one another or by telling you their side of the story just one last time for the hundreth time. Parents tend to confide in adult children when they're in the process of getting divorced, which makes it ten times harder for us. We discover things we never wanted to know. Details that shock us about our parents and their marriage. It's no wonder we can't keep ourselves from getting involved. When your world is being shattered, you at least want to do something.

But you can't. And learning to let go is the first step to forming your new identity.

As always, email me at acod16@gmail.com if you want to talk further.

A Lesson in Grief

Grief.

It's a strange word and one I've become quite accustomed to this past year. It's strange to think about grief when you think about divorce. Up until this past year, I wouldn't have equated the two. Grief was for people who have experienced a death in the family or lost someone they loved. Not for someone whose parents are splitting up. But now I realize how untrue that is. Grief is very real in the midst of a divorce, especially when you're older. You've lived the majority of your life with an intact family and suddenly, that's gone.

So you grieve. You grieve for your family. You grieve for your parents' marriage. But mostly you grieve for the way things were.

In her book, appropriately titled, "The Way They Were," Brooke Lea Foster references studies that show that adult children of divorce experience actual grief, similar to the grief people experience when they lose a family member to death. It makes sense, actually. Because we have lost something. We've lost our parents as a single unit. We may have them as individuals, but they will no longer be together. And that makes everything different.

By the way, I highly recommend Foster's book, "The Way They Were." This is the only relevant book I know of for adult children of divorce. (And you can download the ebook from Barnes & Nobles for $10).

The important thing here is to allow yourself to grieve. So many people (including myself) push their grief away. It doesn't help that many share the same viewpoint: "you're an adult...so deal with it" (and some may actually say this to us)! But the truth is...it's a huge change. It's traumatizing. And we need time to grieve for what once was, knowing that at some point we will have to move on. So let yourself grieve. Don't listen to anyone who tells you differently.