Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Taking My Life Back

I've made a decision.

I'm taking my life back.

From what, you may ask? From my parents' divorce and the depression it's caused me. I've lived life so consumed by their problems that I haven't truly allowed myself to life my life. I've been a lackluster wife, sister, friend, etc. Instead of embracing the relationships that I do have, I've been focusing on what I don't have: my parents as a unit.

I have got to move on.

The world hasn't stopped spinning because my parents got divorced. I'm still married, I still have a job, and I still have friends. Instead, I've let myself become consumed by the shock and grief of the divorce, until I'm reduced to just a shell of a person.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be happy, no matter what happens with my parents. No matter if they sell our childhood home, date, or get remarried. I can't keep letting their decisions impact me so completely. What about my decisions? What about the decisions that lay ahead for me and my husband? I'm unable to make those decisions if my mind is on my parents.

So to my husband, family and friends...I owe you an apology. I know you're not asking for one, but I'm giving it. I'm sorry for checking out of my life and out of yours. I'm sorry for not having the strength to be there for you. I'm sorry for forgetting that I'm needed. I know you miss the old me. I miss me, too. And I'm going to fight like hell to get the old me (well, maybe not the old me, but at least a new & improved version) back. I'm going to stand up and fight for the right to be happy. I've been fighting for my parents for so long that I haven't even realized it's the wrong battle. In fact, it's not even my battle to fight.

If any of you are in the same situation, I hope you'll fight too.


Anonymous said...

BINGO, Michelle! Does this mean your blog will go back to being more funny anecdotes about life as newlyweds? If you TRULY are taking YOUR life back, I hope that you will go back to writing more about YOUR life. I hope you won't still sit and write about this divorce anymore... because that forces you to focus on and write about what you are trying to move on from. What is your blog game-plan?

Melissa said...

i think anonymous has, unfortunately, sort of proven what you've said in previous posts that not everyone can understand what we're going through, by no fault of their own. it's hard for people who haven't experienced what we're experiencing to relate and unfortunately they respond in sometimes negative ways. i really respect and admire your courage in making this scary but therapeutic decision to write about what you're going through and help encourage others who are going through the same thing. I LOVE YOU! be brave and don't be afraid to say what you're feeling...i know it has helped me more than anything to read your thoughts/struggles. <3

Grace said...

I totally agree with Melissa. Of course, you definitely have to do what you feel is right for you to do. I just want to say though that I, too, have been so helped by your blog. It has helped me to feel less alone. The comment by anonymous reminds me that unless you have walked miles in someone else's shoes, it's impossible to know what they are going through. I hope and pray that Anonymous never does have to walk in those shoes. Hugs to you, Michelle!

Caz said...

Deciding you're ready, that it's time to move forward is both hard and important. Knowing you won't be the same as you were, but that you can be something new and renewed is too. You can do it! If you (and your hubs) ever need to get away, you're always welcome here. Love.

V said...

This week's theme for me seems to center around the discipline of responding to grief with compassion. Man, it's just so tough. It takes so much focus and intention and stamina.

It sounds like you are entering a new chapter. Blessings to you on your journey, wherever it leads.

heather_varela said...

Hi Shell! :o) Okay, I must say I'm somewhere in the middle. I commend you for the decision you are making to take your life back, and KNOW that NO ONE can understand where you are right now, unless they have been there themselves, but am curious as to your answer to anonymous question... and think they may raise a valid point. (though i don't agree with how he/she said it) Of course we all miss your happy, light-hearted self. But your friends know this is a crisis that you are dealing with right now, and that this too, shall pass. However, that being said. What do you mean when you say you are "taking your life back"? Will you continue to write about your parents divorce or when you say "you are taking your life back" do you mean all of your life, including the hour that you spend writing on it? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. love you much!!!!!!

MVroom said...

Thanks for your comments, all! I just wrote a new blog addressing them :)


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