Seeing Your Parents Together...When They're Not.

Can anything prepare you for the first time you see your parents together after their divorce?

I would venture to say no.

I'll never forget the anxiety I experienced the first time I saw my parents together after the divorce. It was at my sister's graduation from law school and I knew it was now or never. My parents had been divorced for over a year at this point and hadn't seen each other in just as long. My husband and I were traveling with my dad and would meet my mom at the graduation (she had the tickets). 

As we approached my mom, I felt incredibly nervous. My palms were sweaty and my heart rate was up. What would my parents say? How would they react to one another? How would I deal with it all? Was it going to be strange the entire time or would I get used to it after a little while? Would I cry? Dear Lord, please do not let me cry in front of all these people.

In the end, my parents were polite and cordial (they even took pictures together with my sister) and while it was definitely awkward, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Maybe that's because I had spent the past few years preparing for this moment. And maybe, deep down, I knew this was my new reality and I dealt with it as best I could. Either way, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sad? Absolutely. But horrible? Nope. 

That first meeting also prepared me for my brother's college graduation a year later, when the entire family of five was together for the very first time in three years. We took pictures, we exchanged a few laughs, and then everyone went their separate ways. But nothing can change the sadness I felt and will continue to feel every time I see my parents together in the future. Having my whole family in one place brought back tons of memories for me. And it made me sad to think the five of us will never share those memories as a unit again. Yes, we'll make new ones. But it won't be the same.

I recognize that for some of you, this first meeting is still in the distant future. Maybe your parents just announced their divorce or maybe they're going through the process now and you can't imagine that they'll ever be able to be in the same room again. Shockingly, they will. And everyone will survive. Trust me. 

And if you're reading this and you know you'll be seeing your parents together soon, here's my advice: breathe. Know that you will get through it. You're stronger than you realize. After all, your parents got divorced and you're still standing, right? 

Right. You got this.

For those of you who experienced the dreaded first meeting, I'd love to hear your stories. How did you handle it? Were your parents civil to one another? What advice would you give to ACODs preparing to see their parents together for the first time after the divorce?

Grieving in Circles

The funny thing about grief when you're an ACOD is that it never seems to end. It just goes around and around... and when you think you've conquered the pain, there it is again.

You're grieving in circles.

Brooke Lea Foster said it best in her book "The Way They Were" (one of my favorite books specifically for ACODs. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should). The thing about grieving your parents' divorce is that it's a lifetime process. You may overcome one set of issues, but then a whole new set of issues appears. Maybe you've gotten accustomed to your parents' divorce but then one (or both) remarries. And suddenly there's a new face in the family and life is back to being surreal again. I felt this way when my mom remarried earlier this year (another topic for another post).

There are some who don't think the aftermath of a parents' divorce should be classified as grief. After all, no one died, right? 

Wrong. Something did die - a family unit. 

I'm not making light of those who have experienced death in their family. That's a whole different sort of grief and one that cannot (or should not) be compared to a parents' divorce. But to say ACODs aren't grieving is completely false. We grieve for what our family once was. We grieve for our parents' love - the love that we were borne out of. We grieve for some sense of normalcy, because as we all know, when parents divorce normalcy goes out the window (I like to call it the divorce crazies). Much of our grief doesn't actually stem from the divorce itself - it stems from the fact that nothing is as it once was. And despite the fact that we had no control over the situation, it will impact the rest of our lives.

Where am I going with this? I want all ACODs to know that it's okay to grieve. You need to grieve in order to move forward. If you're going through a parents' divorce right now and you feel silly for crying, being dramatic, acting childish, etc. - don't. It's your family to grieve and no one else's. And even though the grief may go around in circles and appear at times when you least expect, remember that grief is what makes us human. And the only way out is through.

How have you dealt with the grief of your parents' divorce? Or grief over another lost relationship in your life? Share your tips by leaving a comment below. If you don't want to leave a comment but want to talk privately, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

What People Say

If there's one thing I've learned in my 28 years here on earth, it's that people will always have an opinion about something. And divorce is certainly no exception. As an ACOD, I have been on the receiving end of many rude comments. Here's a sampling:

"You're an adult, so you need to support your parents."

"You don't live at home anymore so this won't affect you as much."

"At least your family was together for so many years."

That last one's the real kicker. If anything, that's what makes the whole process so much more painful. People don't understand that ACODs are grieving a loss of their family. The loss of family rituals. The loss of their foundation. So who's job is it to clue them in?

Not yours.

Let's face it: you're dealing with a lot right now. And the last thing you need is to be held accountable for the emotions you're feeling as a result of your parents' divorce. My suggestion? Just leave it alone. Don't respond and don't engage them in a debate or argument. Neither side will win and it will only make you more frustrated. Not to mention, it'll deter you from dealing with the real issue at hand: your parents' divorce.

So the next time someone says something insensitive, just ignore it. And if you can't ignore it, let them know that while you respect their opinion, they don't understand what you're going through. Leave it at that.

Remember: they feel uncomfortable too. They're trying to find the right words to say and unfortunately, that means sometimes saying the wrong ones. Cut them a break. It doesn't mean you have to sit and listen to them, but recognize whether their intentions are good and they're just going about things the wrong way. If their intentions aren't good, then stay far, far away.

Got any tips for handling rude or insensitive comments? Leave a note below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Aftershock

Nothing can prepare you for the moment your parents tell you they're separating or getting divorced. Even if you know things between them aren't going well, it's still a completely different experience to hear the words.

We're getting a divorce.

When I heard those words, I also heard this:

We're breaking up the family you've been apart of for 20+ years. Your life will never be the same.

It was absolutely devastating. Even though I knew my parents were unhappy, I still thought life would continue on as it always had. I never actually thought they'd get divorced, especially since they had been together for so long (now I know there is no expiration date for divorce risk).

So how do you react after the words have been spoken? How do you take that first step over the threshold into your new life - a life you didn't ask for?

The answer is...there is no right answer.

All situations are different. We're all going to experience different emotions. Sadness, anger, depression, grief, you name it. And sometimes we experience all of those emotions at once. 

And you know what? That's okay.

The important thing is to let yourself feel what you're doing to feel. Don't try to censor your emotions. Because we're adults, people may expect us to pull ourselves together and act like the news isn't completely devastating. We may be expected to jump immediately on board with this life-changing decision, but who can really do that? After living 20+ years with your family of origin, it's very difficult to suddenly switch gears and start thinking about a new way of life.

These new changes are overwhelming and it's going to take time to process it all. Maybe even years. And you've got to be patient with yourself throughout the process. Surround yourself with people you can lean on and who will support you. Seek counseling. Do what you have to do for you. While it may not seem like it, now is the time to be selfish and focus on getting through one of the most difficult times you may ever face.

With time, you'll begin to see that it is possible to move forward. That it's possible to be happy. And most importantly, you'll realize:

There is life after a parents' divorce.

How did you handle your parents' announcement that they were getting divorced? What tips do you have for other ACODs out there? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

When People Just Don't Understand

I came across an article in the Huffington Post yesterday and was struck by several things the author said about divorce and the "lessons" children of divorce learn:

It's okay to "fall out of love" with someone. It's not the end of the world if two people don't get along.

My take: Love is certainly complicated and it may be true that some people fall out of love with one another, but marriage should be forever. Love is an emotion that fluctuates from day to day. Choosing to end a family brings about serious repercussions that cause hurt and pain among all family members involved. I recognize there are certain circumstances that bring about a divorce, but it shouldn't be the first option.

You learn how to accept and love the new people who are suddenly a permanent part of your life. 

My take: I'm sure there are ACODs who have embraced a parent's spouse wholeheartedly. And there may be some who took awhile to warm up to that individual. But I'd be willing to bet that most of us feel a sense of resentment about someone new entering the family, especially when we're older. We've had our family intact for a long time, so any change is jarring. Nothing can prepare an ACOD for the emotions he or she will experience when seeing a parent enter a romantic relationship with someone else. Remarriage is a whole other topic (one which I will address in a future blog post).

You get the chance to see the real personality and traits of your parents.

My take: For many ACODs, this is not a good thing. Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people and many of us have had to watch our parents fight with one another, say nasty things behind each other's backs, you name it. It's not easy to watch the two people who brought you into the world turn against each other. In time, we may start to see the positives in our parents' personalities as things level out and they find a new identity, but that often takes many years. Especially if our parents have been married a long time.

Bottom line: no one truly understands what it's like to be an ACOD - not even fellow ACODs.

It's not easy to watch your family fall apart and those who think ACODs have it easier than those who experienced a parents' divorce as a young child are very misguided. If anything, ACODs have it harder in some respects (not all) since parents rarely hold back from letting their dirty laundry air in front of adult children. We see and hear it all and are then told to suck it up and support our parents.

But you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be angry. There is no rulebook for how to deal with a parents' divorce and our emotions are valid. Those who tell you any differently aren't people you should be listening to.

Have you dealt with people who just don't understand what you're going through? If so, how did you respond? Leave a comment below or send me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Giving up Control

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Ahh, control. A word many of us ACODs are familiar with. Simply because that's what we lose when our parents get divorced.

As I watched my parents' marriage disintegrate, I remember feeling an extreme sense of loss. A loss over the fact that my family of origin would never be the same. But my sense of loss was also attributed to the fact that something awful was happening to my family, something that would have a lasting impact on my life, and I had zero control.

I remember thinking, it would be so much easier if I had been the cause of these problems. Because then I could apologize and we could all move on. It's taken me years to realize that the problems existed from the beginning and there was nothing I could have done differently.

Yet for some reason, us ACODs feel a sense of guilt, don't we? It manifests itself in different ways, but it's there nonetheless. A guilt that we just can't shake, even though we know we're not in the wrong. I felt guilty for not wanting to be around my parents very much in the beginning. I felt guilty because they were hurting, rather than paying attention to my own pain and taking steps to heal from it.

Finally, it dawned on me: I can't control my parents or their actions. 

I can only control how I choose to respond to them.

I had spent so much time trying to control what was happening, trying to talk sense into my parents, you name it. It didn't make a difference what I did and it only left me feeling more frustrated and in greater pain than before. When I learned to stay out of the situation and focus on what I could control, which was myself, I started to see positive differences.

But that doesn't mean it comes easily. I still have to force myself not to get worked up over something related to my parents' divorce. I have to force myself to focus on my own life with my husband. As a stereotypical type-A oldest child, it's extremely hard for me to give up that control. But what other choice do I have? The other road will only bring me greater pain.

To all you ACODs out there: I hope that you'll find the strength to give up control of your family's situation and focus on the things in life you do have control over. You'll never stop caring or worrying about your parents (after all, they did give you life), but you can set boundaries so that you don't get dragged into their problems. You can control how you respond (or not respond) to their actions. 

I'll leave you with this:

Have you been able to give up control in your parents' divorce? If so, how did you get to that point?

If you want to chat about your experiences or need a listening ear, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.

Um...we need to talk

Ahh...awkward conversations. How come when you become an ACOD, you start having so many more of them?

I didn't used to have awkward conversations with my parents until they divorced. Now it seems like 95% of topics are off limits and I'm not sure what to say next (uh-oh, will that set Mom off? Crap, I just mentioned Mom and now Dad looks like he wants to kill someone). It's exhausting.

But unfortunately, if there's any hope of repairing your relationship with your parents (not to mention maintaining your sanity), those awkward conversations have to happen. Because without them, there's no boundaries. And without boundaries, your parents are open to saying anything and everything about the situation. And when that happens...well, don't be surprised if you find yourself in a straight jacket (figuratively speaking).

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Can't say enough about them. I'm still working on establishing them and have a ways to go (I like to get myself involved in situations where I shouldn't), but the boundaries I have already established have done a world of good. My parents don't talk about each other or the divorce and we can actually hold a conversation that doesn't end in tears or an abrupt exit from the room (those still happen at times, though). I can feel like myself around my parents again...it's not what it was, but it's a step in the right direction. I like the way I feel when I have boundaries. And I hope to keep it that way, as difficult as it is. And as you all know, it's difficult.

How did you establish boundaries with your parents and have you been able to stick to them? If your parents are newly divorced, what types of boundaries do you hope to put in place? No matter where you're at in this process, I think we all have something to learn about boundaries. And what better way than from the advice of others in the same situation?

Would love to hear from you all, either through the comments below or via email (send 'em to acod16@gmail.com). As always, I'm thinking of all of you and sending some encouragement your way.

Encouraging Advice

Some good advice from Brooke Lea Foster, author of "The Way They Were" (highly recommend this book, you can check it out on Amazon here):

"Divorce hurts at any age so allow yourself to grieve. When my parents first split up, I felt like my family was dying and the truth is...it was. It's really tough when you know you'll never spend Christmas as a family again or even eat breakfast on a Sunday together. So give yourself time to say goodbye. Adult children and young children experience our parents' divorces differently. No one covers the adult child's ears or lowers their voices if we walk into the room when family matters are being discussed. Parents openly burden adult children with their problems, treating us like friends. On their own for the first time in twenty years or more, parents need guidance and support. We teach Dad how to do laundry and cook a red sauce. We counsel Mom on dating. But adult children struggle in these roles so the earlier that you set boundaries and learn how to say no, the better off you'll be."

I hope these words are an encouragement to those of you struggling with your parents' divorce. Hang in there and know that things will get easier with time. And of course, feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com if you need a listening ear.

Just one of those days...

Having a rough day today. It's one of those days where it hits me like a brick.

My parents are divorced. 

When it hit me today, the pain and sadness came back to me and naturally, I started crying. I felt that extreme sense of loss that permeated my thoughts two and a half years ago when my parents separated. And in that moment, life just felt so incredibly unfair.

It never gets easier does it? The pain of having your family separated never goes away. I don't think it should. But on days like today, I wish I didn't have to feel it.

Hopefully this post isn't too depressing -- I just feel like us ACOD's need to admit when we're struggling and having a bad day. Even though its been a few years, I still have bad days...days where I feel like sitting around and crying. Days where I still can't believe my family isn't together anymore. Days where I really need encouragement from others.

Speaking of encouragement, thank you for the encouraging emails some of you have sent me. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that there are others out there who understand what I'm feeling. And if you're new to the blog or would like to vent (like what I did during this post), feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Thanks for listening.

Feeling Thankful?

A strange title for this post, since no ACOD ever feels thankful that their parents have divorced. In the past two and half years since my parents ended their marriage, I have felt nothing but anger and sadness. I haven't allowed myself to focus on the good, as the demise of my family consumed every single thought. But in the past year, I've been working on getting back my own life and focusing on the things I have, not what I've lost. It's not been easy and I've been clear about the fact that it's a daily struggle for me. Every day I wake up and have to force myself to be happy. I have to force myself not to focus on my parents' divorce. And the holidays make that even more difficult.

So I wanted to make a list of what I'm thankful for. Yes, it sounds cliche. But I think it will be therapeutic for me and will help me see all that I have to live for. My parents' divorce does NOT have to define who I am -- I am so much more than an ACOD.

I'm thankful I'm alive to see another day. 

I'm thankful for an amazing husband who helps support me and who has been kind to my family during difficult times.

I'm thankful for my siblings, who never fail to show me love and support, despite the fact that they're hurting too.

I'm thankful that, even though my parents are no longer together, they're still here and there's still hope for me to rebuild our relationship.

I'm thankful for friends who are like second family -- who never judge and who are there to listen with at a moment's notice.

I'm thankful for second chances and for God's grace and mercy. Without those, I'm not sure I'd still be standing today.

Find what makes you happy and focus on it. Focus on the people who have been there for you and whom you can lean on for support. Hold onto feelings of joy and happiness -- it's so easy to lose those in the midst of a traumatic situation like a parents' divorce, but those feelings are what makes us human. They show us that life is worth living. So hold onto them and don't let them go.

I know the holidays are tough and believe me, I'm struggling with them too. My holidays have drastically changed since my parents' divorce and unfortunately, there are not a lot of resources out there to help ACODs. So feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. It can be a lonely road, but trust me, you're not the only one out there. 

Changing My Focus

Let's face it...the holidays can really suck, can't they?

As Thanksgiving approaches, I've been really focused on my attitude and perspective on life. This is the second Thanksgiving that my parents have been officially divorced and it's still difficult. I feel like no matter what I do, someone is left out. So I've started to dread the holidays. I sit around and focus on the things I don't have, namely my parents not being together. I don't focus on the fact that I have a wonderful husband, a new home or a job I love. All I think about is what I've lost.

It's hard not to focus on that though. After all, the holidays are about getting together with family. So when your family isn't what it used to be, it seems all-consuming. But here's the thing...my parents' divorce isn't all that's happened in my life over the past two years. I've experienced joy, accomplishments, happiness. So why is it so hard to focus on those feelings?

This year I'm making a promise to myself. I'm going to make a list reminding myself of the good things that have happened in the past year. Forget the fighting, the anger, the hurt, the tears. It doesn't mean they don't exist. It just means I'm choosing to remember the good. The things that make life worth living. Because if I don't focus on those things, then what good is celebrating the holidays? What good is living life? I owe it to my husband, my family and my friends to be happy during this holiday season. But above all, I owe it to myself.

I hope you all can find the strength to be happy this Thanksgiving. To allow yourself to laugh. To overindulge (that's the best part, right?). To focus on the moment and enjoy every second. Because we deserve to. Because, despite everything that's happened, life must go on. And we need to allow ourselves to live it.

Feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com if you need to talk, vent or just need encouragement. Wishing you all a wonderful, healthy Thanksgiving!

Does It Ever End?

Well, I'm back after an especially long hiatus. And I wish I could say things are better between my parents, but unfortunately they're not.

It's been a year since my parents have been divorced (and about two years since they've separated). I thought once they divorced that all the fighting would stop. I thought that things would finally get back to normal since we've been through the worst of it, right? 

That doesn't seem to be the case. Some new developments have occurred which have worsened things between my parents and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. It troubles me that there is so much animosity between them. The divorce and events leading up to it were bad enough, so why does it have to keep continuing after they're finally divorced? All it does it makes things harder on myself and my siblings. I find myself even worrying about the future when my husband and I choose to have kids. Will my parents be able to stand each other long enough to attend a birthday party? Or will they be unable to be in the same room? I don't want their situation to impact my future kids, but at what cost will that entail? I fear some difficult decisions may lie ahead, but also know that I need to focus on my own life and not get caught up in the drama.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Did your parents end up being civil to one another or are they still unable to be in the same room together? How has it impacted your family? Would love to hear from others, whether through comments or email (acod16@gmail.com). 

The Gray Divorce Revolution

I came across this article today and was shocked to learn that there is actually a term for my pain. The Gray Divorce Revolution. The fact that there even is a term for this shows that it is becoming a sad trend.

Apparently a study was conducted and found that the divorce rate amongst adults ages 50 years and older has doubled since 1990. Now, 1 in 4 divorces are amongst people over the age of 50. The articles I read attribute this alarming trend to people over 50 being much more active than they once were. Women aren't dependent upon their husbands for financial stability anymore. People are living longer and when they aren't happy at age 50, they want to find something (or someone) that will make them happy.

This is really upsetting to me. Couples build lives with one another, have kids, grow their families and for what? It's unsettling to me that people could be so discontent as to throw away lives they have spent 20+ years building.

As someone who has barely been married two years, I recognize that I don't understand the struggles couples face after a certain amount of years together. The highs and the lows of having children, building a career, etc. But what kind of a marriage would I have if I started out expecting it to fail? I'm not okay with these statistics and I don't think anyone should be. In fact, these stats should make people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to strive for a different life for themselves. Uncomfortable enough to put the work into their marriages and into spending time with one another. These stats are serious and cannot be explained away by saying that people are more active and want to find something new. To me, that's simply selfishness talking.

I'll admit this post is a bit of a rant, but I'm truly sad to see what is happening to marriages in America (in particular long-term ones) and even more saddened by the fact that I've been a witness to this. I'm now apart of a new club called ACOD's and it turns out, this club is not exclusive. More and more people in their 20's and 30's are watching their parents' marriages fall apart. They're being thrust into a life they never could have expected after living one way for so many years.

This Gray Divorce Revolution is not okay and I think more people need to speak out about it. We need to take a stand for the sacredness of marriage, which is being seriously threatened right now.

Got something to add? Leave a comment below or email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Did You See It Coming?

In many of my posts, I've talked about knowing that my parents' marriage was troubled. Although I was surprised by the way everything was handled and by certain actions that were taken, I knew in the months leading up to my wedding that my parents were not going to stay together. When a relationship is over, you can see it. You can see it in a couple's actions and in the way they speak to one another. You can feel it in the air -- something unexplainable, but palpable.

But what if you don't see it? What if you thought your parents' marriage was fine? Sometimes a divorce comes as a complete shock to the children. One day your family is moving along just fine and the next day, the foundation has crumbled.

I don't think one scenario is worse than the other. Either way, your life is changing in a way you never expected and didn't want. Whether you knew ahead of time your parents were going to divorce or it happened upon you suddenly, it still happened. And it's painful no matter what the circumstances.

Did you see your parents' divorce coming or were you completely blindsided? Do you think one situation is worse than another? Would love to hear your thoughts, so leave a comment below or email me at acod16@gmail.com.

A Do-Over

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like had your parents chosen differently? Perhaps chosen to get counseling early on or chosen to put more effort into a floundering marriage. What would the result have been? Would they have stayed together or would the inevitable divorce simply have been delayed?

I find these thoughts weighing on my mind recently. I don't believe anyone's marriage is meant to end. But through a series of choices, made over years and years together, some people find themselves with a stranger. Someone they no longer recognize and don't want to be with anymore.

What if my parents had recognized these signs sooner? They married young, despite their doubts and had a lifetime ahead of them. What if they had put in the time and effort needed to cultivate a strong marriage? My life would be so different now. I would be so different.

And if my parents hadn't divorced, how would my marriage have fared? Would it have been stronger because they were together and provided me with the support I needed? Or would my marriage have failed, because I didn't learn to recognize the pitfalls of a struggling marriage and subsequently, divorce?

We all make choices everyday, whether we know it or not. Some don't impact our lives in the long-term. But every choice has a consequence behind it. And for my parents, the consequences of their choice to divorce has altered everyone's lives forever. I just can't stop wondering if that all could have been avoided by a simple action, one that took them in a different direction, away from divorce.

I wish desperately they would have made that choice and stayed together. Not just for me and my siblings, but for each other. And for our entire family. I wish they would have seen how much hurt and pain would come as a result of their choices.

Some days I just want a do-over.

If you can relate, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at acod16@gmail.com.

No Apologies

Isn't it funny how we ACOD's feel like we have to apologize? We feel sorry for crying about our parents. Maybe we feel sorry for reacting strongly to an intense situation. Or we're sorry for checking out of our friendships momentarily as we collect our thoughts (and try to regain our sanity) after we've heard our parents have divorced.

The truth is, we shouldn't be sorry for anything.

I was amazed by the intense, raw guilt I experienced after my parents' divorce. I felt guilty if I chose to go a few days without talking to them. I felt guilty for being angry. I even felt guilty for feeling like half a person during one of the darkest times of my life.

You may experience guilt too. Maybe you feel like you should be handling the news of your parents' divorce much more smoothly since you're an adult. Maybe you're mad at yourself for falling apart when you least expected it. It's important to realize the source of these feelings. Are they self-inflicted? Or are others telling you how you should feel? In either case, the feelings of guilt are actually causing you more damage. They're forcing you to try to bury your true feelings and act like everything is okay.

That's what did it for me. Here I was, acting like everything was okay. Finally I said to myself, "this is so not okay." My parents got divorced after 27 years of marriage, subsquently breaking our family apart. How is that ever okay?

So take that guilt and chuck it in the trash. It's completely useless and will only work against you. Give yourself the freedom to react how you want to react, not how anyone else expects you too. And like everything else in life, you can't always please everyone. In fact, you never will. So just try to please yourself and leave it at that. Try to give yourself allowances each day. Allowances to feel what you want to feel...sad, angry, frustrated, happy, whatever it may be. You'll probably feel all those emotions at varying points (yes, even happy). That's what part of makes you human. And it's what shows you that life really is worth living.

What Page Are You On?

I've talked at length about relating to your parents after they divorce and dealing with the changes in your relationship. But one relationship I haven't focused on is the one with your siblings (sorry to all you only children out there -- you'll have your time to share). What happens when you and your siblings are on different pages?

The truth is, this is likely to happen. When your parents get divorced, not everyone will feel the exact same way about it. Yet at the same time, your siblings are the only ones who understand how you're feeling. Because unfortunately, they're dealing with the same crappy situation too.

But not everyone will be on the same page. Someone may feel more loyal towards one parent over another. The other sibling may not even be talking to one parent. Feelings of anger or disloyalty may manifest themselves. You may feel uncomfortable or upset if one sibling is progressing "further" than you (I use quotes because who's to judge one's progress? Everyone's different). You may even feel abandoned by a sibling if he or she is talking to the parent you're avoiding.

This has happened with my siblings. While we have experienced similar feelings relating to the divorce, we are all handling it in different ways. And there's no one better way to handle it than another. It's just different. And while it may be easy to focus on the differences, I think it's important to focus on what holds you together. Focus on sticking by one another and comforting each other. Focus on making time to talk and cultivate your relationships with your siblings -- it will help you get through this incredibly difficult time and show you that you're not alone, even when you feel like it.

Whatever happens, don't let your relationship with your siblings be affected by your parents' divorce. The divorce came as a result of their issues, not yours. So don't take those issues on or get in fights with your siblings about it. The family is likely already going through turmoil, so hold onto the relationships you do have. Cling to them -- because for the rest of your life, you'll have to deal with your parents' divorce and subsquently, your changed life. But one thing won't change. Your siblings will still be by your side, going through it with you. They get you. And that's valuable enough to hold onto for a lifetime.

Would love to hear how your relationships with your siblings have fared. And if you're an only child, how have you dealt with your parents' divorce? Did you reach outside your family for help and comfort? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Parents' divorce = tough conversation

Well that's an understatement. I'd say it's hard to have a conversation at all when your parents get divorced. In fact, this is how some of my conversations with my parents went right after their divorce:

Mom: "Hi Honey, how are you?"

Me: "Good."

Mom: "What's new?"

Me: "Nothing."

Mom: "Are you okay?"

Crickets. (Clearly I was SO not okay.)

Mom: "Okay, well, I guess I'll let you go."

Me: "Bye."

I had nothing to say to her. I didn't even know where to start. How do you answer the question, are you okay? That's like asking, "I just hit you in the head with a shovel...oh and kneed you in the groin. How are you feeling?"

How am I feeling? Quite frankly, like shit (excuse the language, but just being as honest as possible.)

I used to wonder if it was just me. Are other ACOD's able to communicate with their parents naturally? Will I ever be able to communicate with them naturally again? Or has that been lost forever?

Luckily, I've begun to discover that the last question is not true. But my parents' divorce has certainly made communication much tougher. It's a struggle to keep my emotions in check when I talk to them. In the days, weeks and even months after their divorce, I just flat out didn't speak to my parents. I tried to forget that they even existed. Clearly, that didn't work. Because the truth is, I still need them in my life.

Things are different now. I have to put more energy and effort into my communication with my parents. Sometimes it's like a minefield, there are so many topics to avoid. But we're talking. And that's a start. It's definitely still a bit one-sided, as much of the conversation is focused on my life. But I'm starting to feel more comfortable asking them how they're doing. And yes, even talking about the divorce. I still tense up and I still get upset (and yes, even cry or yell), but I find that with every conversation, it gets a little bit easier. I've learned that I can have a conversation with my parents and still be in control. We don't have to talk about what I don't want to. If a difficult subject comes up, I can shut it down. I have the power to control how I react to the conversation and the direction I want it to go.

If you're in this situation and feeling like you need a break from talking to your parents, don't feel guilty. I took that break and it was good for me. It helped get me away from a really chaotic situation and sort out how I felt about everything. But a word of caution: don't let too much time go by without speaking to them. It will only allow bitterness to fester and may distance you from them in a really negative way. Only you can decide what kind of a relationship you want with your parents. Just make sure you're aware of the decisions you're making and how they may affect your relationship with them long-term. My advice? Keep the lines of communication open...if they're not operating at the moment. You never know when you may need them.

Need to talk, vent, cry, yell (through the virtual world), pout, sulk, etc.? I'm here. Just email me at acod16@gmail. Trust me, it's just as therapeutic for me to hear from you. Shows me I'm not alone, you know?



Anyone Out There?

When your parents divorce, what's one of the first things you feel (besides the anger)?

Loneliness.

I felt this emotion pretty intensely when my parents divorced and have continued to feel it at certain times since then. Sometimes I feel like there's no one else out there like me. A twenty-something-year-old whose parents have divorced after many many years of marriage. Who's world has turned upside down. I even searched for books that would speak to what I was going through but didn't find too many directed towards ACODs (see my post here). Were there even any out there?

My blog has shown me how silly that question is. So many of you have come forward (whether through comments or email) and shared your stories. Stories that are very similar to mine, but also very different. Stories I resonate with. Stories that comfort me, because they teach me that I'm not alone. I've even had people from high school and college, people I haven't talked to in years, contact me to let me know that they too are going through something unexpected and painful in their lives. Even if they weren't dealing with a parents' divorce, my blog still spoke to them. 

The truth is, none of us are ever alone. You'd be surprised to learn who is going through similar things as you...it could be anyone. It could be someone you've only spoken to once or twice or someone you see everyday. You never truly know what's going on in a person's life. 

This blog has taught me that there are a lot of you ACODs out there. That unfortunately, the number of ACODs are growing (check out this article for more info on that topic). I now know that there are people out there who get what I'm saying. Who understand the complexity of emotions I've experienced and continue to experience. Who just get me.

Even if your parents haven't gotten divorced, you can likely relate to feeling out of control in an unexpected situation. We all go through different things, but some of the same basic emotions are there. Fear. Lack of control. Anxiety. Extreme sadness.

So if you're going through a parents' divorce or something else that's turned your life upside down, hang in there. Stay strong and know you're not the only one out there. Find support wherever you can. And be a support for others.

We're all in this together. Things may not get any better, but we can always become stronger.