Aftershock

Nothing can prepare you for the moment your parents tell you they're separating or getting divorced. Even if you know things between them aren't going well, it's still a completely different experience to hear the words.

We're getting a divorce.

When I heard those words, I also heard this:

We're breaking up the family you've been apart of for 20+ years. Your life will never be the same.

It was absolutely devastating. Even though I knew my parents were unhappy, I still thought life would continue on as it always had. I never actually thought they'd get divorced, especially since they had been together for so long (now I know there is no expiration date for divorce risk).

So how do you react after the words have been spoken? How do you take that first step over the threshold into your new life - a life you didn't ask for?

The answer is...there is no right answer.

All situations are different. We're all going to experience different emotions. Sadness, anger, depression, grief, you name it. And sometimes we experience all of those emotions at once. 

And you know what? That's okay.

The important thing is to let yourself feel what you're doing to feel. Don't try to censor your emotions. Because we're adults, people may expect us to pull ourselves together and act like the news isn't completely devastating. We may be expected to jump immediately on board with this life-changing decision, but who can really do that? After living 20+ years with your family of origin, it's very difficult to suddenly switch gears and start thinking about a new way of life.

These new changes are overwhelming and it's going to take time to process it all. Maybe even years. And you've got to be patient with yourself throughout the process. Surround yourself with people you can lean on and who will support you. Seek counseling. Do what you have to do for you. While it may not seem like it, now is the time to be selfish and focus on getting through one of the most difficult times you may ever face.

With time, you'll begin to see that it is possible to move forward. That it's possible to be happy. And most importantly, you'll realize:

There is life after a parents' divorce.

How did you handle your parents' announcement that they were getting divorced? What tips do you have for other ACODs out there? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

If you're an ACOD, you've probably asked yourself this very question:

 Is it normal to be crying this much over my parents' divorce? Is it normal to struggle in my everyday life? To be unable to complete tasks that used to take me no time at all? Is it normal to not want to get out of bed?

Is it normal to want to stop living life?

These are the tough questions people don't want to address. But that doesn't change the fact that these questions are being asked. Maybe not out loud...but they're being asked.

First things first...nothing about divorce is normal. It was never supposed to even be a choice. Marriage means forever, but unfortunately the definition has drastically changed. So it's important to accept that what is happening is NOT normal and should not be taken lightly. It's good you feel so upset. It's good you're grieving. It shows that you recognize the severity of your parents' divorce and the permanent impact it's had on your life.

But you may wonder if your reactions to the situation are normal. Again...there is no normal in this situation. Everyone's situations are different and equally painful. There's no rulebook for a parents' divorce, especially later in life, (and no, I'm not nominating myself to write one!) There's no normal, standard reaction to a parents' divorce. It's a crushing blow either way.

I think what we're really asking ourselves is: has anyone else felt this way? Because if others have reacted the same way as you and felt the same way, then it means you're not alone.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone.

You're not alone if you've ever felt...

scared

angry (so angry you feel like you could kill someone)

bitter

resentful

a sadness that takes your breath away

You're not alone if you've ever...

had recurring dreams about your family together as they once were, in your childhood home

started crying at work for no apparent reason

suddenly shocked yourself by the realization that your parents are truly divorced (even if your parents have been divorced for years)

had a day where you actually laughed (yes, it's okay to laugh)

felt the need to seek the help of a counselor (check out my post on counseling)

experienced jealousy towards your friends and others who have families that are intact

struggled to get out of bed in the morning

found it difficult to take joy in the things you used to

felt the need to control everything around you (after all, your life feels out of control, doesn't it?)

felt like the world's moving around you...and without you

been baffled by the inconsiderate things some people actually have the nerve to say

found yourself reverting to acting like a three-year-old

felt awkward around your parents in their new lives

hurt all over

You're not alone if you've ever felt any of the above. 

How do I know? 

Because I've felt them all too. I still do.

Instead of pretending that we're normal and that we're okay with out parents' divorce, let's admit that nothing about the situation is normal and that we're not okay. We shouldn't be okay. Instead, let's admit how we really feel. You never know who may need to hear it.

Not feeling so great? Need to talk? Email me at acod16@gmail.com.

How do you talk to your parents when you want to punch them in the face?

Now before you react, I promise that I'm not a violent person. And I certainly don't condone punching your parents in the face. Sometimes you just have to inject a little humor into the situation :)


The truth is, when your parents get divorced, sometimes you do feel like punching them in the face. Slapping them upside the head and telling them that they're out of their minds. It's a gut reaction and definitely not one you'd want to act on. Probably wouldn't help the situation.


But how do you talk to your parents when you're so angry and upset over the situation that you're seeing red? How do you carry on a normal conversation with them when all you can think is, you guys will never be together ever again.


It's tough and there are no easy answers. It just takes time. Yes, I know...it seems like everything takes time. We're all sick of hearing that, aren't we? But it's a delicate situation. Your life has been completely uprooted. It feels like your parents have betrayed your family (and in some ways they may have). It's enough to make any grown adult angry.


My advice? Take some time away from the situation and yes, from your parents. It seems harsh, but you need to regroup and process what's happening. If you try to talk to your parents immediately after, you'll fall into the child-becomes-the-parent trap. You'll spend your time trying to convince your parents they're wrong. Trying to get them to see things your way. This will only serve to make you angrier (and perhaps make you continue to wish you could punch them in the face).


It's only through hard work and lot's of patience that you can begin to rebuild your relationship with your parents. At times it will seem like you've taken a hundred steps backward. But the truth is, your relationship is moving forward, albeit at a slow pace. Just make sure you're enforcing your boundaries. What are the boundaries? Only you know and can enforce them. (Check out one of my blog posts about setting boundaries). Don't be afraid to tell your parents where your boundaries lie. They need to respect them. And if they don't? Cut the conversation short and retreat to a safe place.

And if you ever do feel like punching your parents in the face, don't fight it. I'm not saying you should punch your parents in the face, but try punching something else instead. Preferably not another human :)

Would love to hear from all of you! Email me at acod16@gmail.com if you want to share your story or respond to any of the blog topics. And of course, comments are always nice too!

Why So Angry?

Anger.

A word I've grown quite familiar with lately. I'm not saying I was always Mary Sunshine, but lately I just feel angry all the time. I usually tell myself to stop being angry, but you know what? Sometimes anger is good. Healthy, even. Hey, if Oprah says so, then it must be true!

Most of my anger is related to my parents' divorce. But you know what I've realized? It's not specifically the divorce I'm angry about. It's that they got to this point to begin with. I feel like they've let this family down.

I've been finding that my anger over the divorce seeps into other areas of my life (which naturally my husband isn't so thrilled about). If one thing goes wrong, I get angry and feel like I've lost control. Has anyone else felt this way? I think it's normal. But it's going to be a struggle to deal with it.

In the meantime, I'm going to let myself feel anger. But I'm also going to let myself feel happy and excited. And sad. And frustrated. And every single other emotion that may come to mind. I've learned that in situations like this, it's nearly impossible to censor your emotions. You shouldn't even try. Because if I never feel anger, then I'll never appreciate the joy of feeling happy or content.