Monday, July 9, 2012

A Do-Over

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like had your parents chosen differently? Perhaps chosen to get counseling early on or chosen to put more effort into a floundering marriage. What would the result have been? Would they have stayed together or would the inevitable divorce simply have been delayed?

I find these thoughts weighing on my mind recently. I don't believe anyone's marriage is meant to end. But through a series of choices, made over years and years together, some people find themselves with a stranger. Someone they no longer recognize and don't want to be with anymore.

What if my parents had recognized these signs sooner? They married young, despite their doubts and had a lifetime ahead of them. What if they had put in the time and effort needed to cultivate a strong marriage? My life would be so different now. I would be so different.

And if my parents hadn't divorced, how would my marriage have fared? Would it have been stronger because they were together and provided me with the support I needed? Or would my marriage have failed, because I didn't learn to recognize the pitfalls of a struggling marriage and subsequently, divorce?

We all make choices everyday, whether we know it or not. Some don't impact our lives in the long-term. But every choice has a consequence behind it. And for my parents, the consequences of their choice to divorce has altered everyone's lives forever. I just can't stop wondering if that all could have been avoided by a simple action, one that took them in a different direction, away from divorce.

I wish desperately they would have made that choice and stayed together. Not just for me and my siblings, but for each other. And for our entire family. I wish they would have seen how much hurt and pain would come as a result of their choices.

Some days I just want a do-over.

If you can relate, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at


Shannon said...

I read this post and cried. You put into words exactly what I feel!
My siblings and I attended my Dad's wedding...and these emotions were all over the place.
Thank you for your blog.

Sara said...

I wrestled with that at first, too. But I found that all of the "what ifs" just lead me down a dark rabbit hole. No answers or relief, just more questions. I had to stop.

Here's the conclusion I came to...
I'm sure they (my parents) have a lot of "what if" questions as well, and given the opportunity, they would have made different choices than the ones they made. The fact is, though, that they made the choice to get a divorce (I fully understand that this is totally circumstantial). Yes, their choice directly effects me and the rest of our family, but I assume that they decided that our having pain now was a better decision than watching them lead a miserable life together. Although my relationship with my parents is just that, a parent-child relationship, they are individuals first, and they have to do what's best for them. It saddens me that our family will never be the same, but I place my hope in that I will have a better relationship with my parents individually and we will create a new dynamic and new, good memories.

MVroom said...

Shannon -- thank you for reading it. I'm glad it could be of some help to you. So sorry you have to go through this too, but thank you for reaching out. It makes me feel better knowing others understand where i'm coming from and that I'm not alone.

Sara -- really great insight. Parents are individuals first and that's the hard part. I have trouble seeing my parents as humans who make mistakes. I need to realize that they are human and just because they're not together anymore doesn't mean I can't have a good relationship with each of them. Out of curiosity, how did you get to a point where you started thinking of your parents as individuals? Any tips you have would be helpful to all of us.


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