When People Just Don't Understand

I came across an article in the Huffington Post yesterday and was struck by several things the author said about divorce and the "lessons" children of divorce learn:

It's okay to "fall out of love" with someone. It's not the end of the world if two people don't get along.

My take: Love is certainly complicated and it may be true that some people fall out of love with one another, but marriage should be forever. Love is an emotion that fluctuates from day to day. Choosing to end a family brings about serious repercussions that cause hurt and pain among all family members involved. I recognize there are certain circumstances that bring about a divorce, but it shouldn't be the first option.

You learn how to accept and love the new people who are suddenly a permanent part of your life. 

My take: I'm sure there are ACODs who have embraced a parent's spouse wholeheartedly. And there may be some who took awhile to warm up to that individual. But I'd be willing to bet that most of us feel a sense of resentment about someone new entering the family, especially when we're older. We've had our family intact for a long time, so any change is jarring. Nothing can prepare an ACOD for the emotions he or she will experience when seeing a parent enter a romantic relationship with someone else. Remarriage is a whole other topic (one which I will address in a future blog post).

You get the chance to see the real personality and traits of your parents.

My take: For many ACODs, this is not a good thing. Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people and many of us have had to watch our parents fight with one another, say nasty things behind each other's backs, you name it. It's not easy to watch the two people who brought you into the world turn against each other. In time, we may start to see the positives in our parents' personalities as things level out and they find a new identity, but that often takes many years. Especially if our parents have been married a long time.

Bottom line: no one truly understands what it's like to be an ACOD - not even fellow ACODs.

It's not easy to watch your family fall apart and those who think ACODs have it easier than those who experienced a parents' divorce as a young child are very misguided. If anything, ACODs have it harder in some respects (not all) since parents rarely hold back from letting their dirty laundry air in front of adult children. We see and hear it all and are then told to suck it up and support our parents.

But you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be angry. There is no rulebook for how to deal with a parents' divorce and our emotions are valid. Those who tell you any differently aren't people you should be listening to.

Have you dealt with people who just don't understand what you're going through? If so, how did you respond? Leave a comment below or send me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Giving up Control

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Ahh, control. A word many of us ACODs are familiar with. Simply because that's what we lose when our parents get divorced.

As I watched my parents' marriage disintegrate, I remember feeling an extreme sense of loss. A loss over the fact that my family of origin would never be the same. But my sense of loss was also attributed to the fact that something awful was happening to my family, something that would have a lasting impact on my life, and I had zero control.

I remember thinking, it would be so much easier if I had been the cause of these problems. Because then I could apologize and we could all move on. It's taken me years to realize that the problems existed from the beginning and there was nothing I could have done differently.

Yet for some reason, us ACODs feel a sense of guilt, don't we? It manifests itself in different ways, but it's there nonetheless. A guilt that we just can't shake, even though we know we're not in the wrong. I felt guilty for not wanting to be around my parents very much in the beginning. I felt guilty because they were hurting, rather than paying attention to my own pain and taking steps to heal from it.

Finally, it dawned on me: I can't control my parents or their actions. 

I can only control how I choose to respond to them.

I had spent so much time trying to control what was happening, trying to talk sense into my parents, you name it. It didn't make a difference what I did and it only left me feeling more frustrated and in greater pain than before. When I learned to stay out of the situation and focus on what I could control, which was myself, I started to see positive differences.

But that doesn't mean it comes easily. I still have to force myself not to get worked up over something related to my parents' divorce. I have to force myself to focus on my own life with my husband. As a stereotypical type-A oldest child, it's extremely hard for me to give up that control. But what other choice do I have? The other road will only bring me greater pain.

To all you ACODs out there: I hope that you'll find the strength to give up control of your family's situation and focus on the things in life you do have control over. You'll never stop caring or worrying about your parents (after all, they did give you life), but you can set boundaries so that you don't get dragged into their problems. You can control how you respond (or not respond) to their actions. 

I'll leave you with this:

Have you been able to give up control in your parents' divorce? If so, how did you get to that point?

If you want to chat about your experiences or need a listening ear, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.

The "Right Person"

I read an article the other day that said something I had never heard before. Something pretty profound.

No one marries the right person.

Doesn't make sense at first, does it? We're taught that everyone has the perfect person out there for them. Their soulmate. We watch movies like the Notebook that teach us that you have a deep connection with only one person, the person who will make you happy forever.

But life isn't always like that. And I've never realized that until my parents' divorce.

I agree with the statement. There is no "right" person out there for you. There's a person that you connect with and share the same values with and choose to spend your life with. But even when you find that person and marry them, there's still a lifetime of hard work ahead. And I don't think people get that.

Were my parents the right people for one another? I've given this alot of thought since their divorce. And I have to say no. They weren't. They were like everyone else who's married -- they decided to spend their life with someone. They took a chance. And it didn't work out. But why? Because they weren't right for one another? No, because they decided the marriage wasn't going to work and they were no longer willing to put forth effort into something that wasn't lasting. Being right or wrong for one another didn't have anything to do with it.

People change throughout their lives. That's why it's hard to determine if someone truly is right for you or not. The key is: can you change together? Do you still want to be together and are you really willing to work at it? Those are the questions to ask, rather than if the person is right for you or not.

This is just my opinion -- I used to view marriage as black and white, but I think it's more complex than that. We're all more complex than that.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this subject -- leave a comment below or send an email to acod16@gmail.com.

When Parents Become Strangers

It's astonishing to me how two people who once knew each another so intimately and who created a family together can suddenly become like strangers. In fact, that was probably one of the most unnerving things about my parents' divorce. I watched as they grew more and more distant and soon it was like they were roommates. It reached a point where they were no longer fighting anymore...just existing. It was then that I realized they were close to the end of their marriage. And I couldn't do a single thing about it.

This is tough to swallow when you're young and your parents divorce, but it's crazy to see them act like strangers when you've watched them together for 20+ years. Sometimes I look at pictures of my family and can hardly believe my parents were ever even together. Things are so different now and they're so far removed from one another. In some ways it feels like they were never together but in other ways it feels strange that they're not. Does that even make any sense? I still pinch myself sometimes to see if this is all a joke. And everytime I have a dream about my family, my parents are together. Maybe my subconcious hasn't quite accepted it all yet.

There have been times where I want to shake both of my parents and shout, "You were once in love! You once gave a damn about one another! Don't you have any of those feelings left anymore?" But then I remember that my parents were dysfunctional together and that watching two people lose touch with one another is not a life I want to lead. I want to see my parents happy. And if that's not together, then I guess I'll have to learn to deal.

Were things strange for you when your parents began acting like strangers? Did it happen before or after they divorced? Or maybe your parents had a smooth transition and make an effort to be friends. Either way, they're not together as they once were and that's just weird. Would love to hear how you coped with it all. Feel free to leave a comment or email acod16@gmail.com.

A Little Thing Called Complacency

Ahh, complacency.

It's amazing how easy it is to be complacent in life, isn't it? Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. But in the midst of stressful jobs, crazy hours, keeping a house (or in my case an apartment)...life can seem redundant. And that is the beginning of complacency.

I've only been married just over a year (we celebrated our first anniversary on July 24) and already I've seen how easy it is to be complacent in a marriage. We both hold somewhat irregular jobs and our hours aren't always consistently 9-5. Sometimes we get home late and are exhausted. We make a quick dinner and plop in front of the couch for the rest of the night until we go to bed...only to get up and do it all over again the next day. It's easy to get lost in the routine and forget about the fact that you're in the process of building a marriage. And in order to build that marriage, you need to work at it.

I'll admit, sometimes it scares me that I can already see how this could happen. It just goes to show how much work is required out of a marriage, day in and day out, no matter what stage of life you're at. My parents' divorce has taught me just how detrimental it is to embrace complacency and ignore the work your marriage requires. I've seen first hand what this does to a marriage and to a family.

But it's overwhelming how much work goes into being non-complacent. It's just so easy to choose the other path every day. If you do it one day and say, "I'll focus on my marriage tomorrow," tomorrow never comes. Suddenly, you find yourselves 20 years down the road with serious problems. I don't want to end up like that. Yet I am an admittedly selfish person who focuses too much on her job at times and not enough on her husband. Who comes home from work and forgets that I need to spend quality time with my husband (which means talking to him, not mumbling to him while watching TV). Do I admit I have failed many times at this? That's a resounding yes.

But if I can wake up each day with the goal of working on my marriage and avoiding complacency (knowing I will inevitably fail on many accounts, but succeed on others), then I think that's a good thing. If I woke up one day and didn't think once about my husband or my marriage, then I'd be worried (and yes, thinking about the thing he did last night that annoyed me does count as thinking about my marriage. Hey, it's not perfect). All I can ask of myself is to try.

How do you deal with complacency in marriage or relationships? Have you witnessed this in your parents' marriage? How did they overcome it? And if they didn't, what have you taken away from their failures? Feel free to comment or email me at acod16@gmail.com.

In the Spirit of Love

In the spirit of love, today's post is not going to be about divorce or the lack of commitment in today's marriages. Instead, it is dedicated to my wonderful husband, who has truly been there for me through thick and thin. He has been there through the entire ordeal with my family, and still continues to treat them with grace and respect (something I'm not very good at). I know he never reads this, but I'll still say this: Honey, I love you.

To the rest of you: take this time to celebrate the relationships you do have. The people that have stood by you during the difficult times, whether it be spouses, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, etc. Yes, Valentine's Day can be annoying for those who are single (and maybe when you're married too). But I have never been so thankful to have the support of those I love, especially when I'm going through a time where I feel so distant from my parents. To those people: you know who you are. Thank you.

Also...in case you're interested...a study posted in USA Today shows that more people are finding love online these days. Hmm, Match.com anyone? ;)

An Everlasting Marriage: Attainable Goal?

It doesn't seem like anything lasts forever anymore, least of all marriage. Which is ironic, since it is a vow you take in front of God, your family, your friends, etc. But somehow that doesn't stop people from separating. They just don't have what it takes to make the marriage work. But why?

Statistics are high and continuously growing higher. But what's even more scary is that the risk of divorce increases by 50% if one spouse ( just one), comes from a divorced home. I've been thinking about that alot, and if I'm honest, I feel guilty. Guilty for my husband. Guilty because I'm the one bringing the baggage into the marriage. What if I'm the reason it fails?

I know it's not good to think like that. But honestly, what ACOD (adult child of divorce) can't help but think of his or her future and how it will be impacted? I'd be lying if I said my faith in marriage wasn't a bit shaken because of my parents' divorce. They were married for almost 30 years.

 

I had a bit of an unusual situation in that I was watching my parents' marriage fall apart while I planned my own wedding. Talk about uplifting. It took everything I could not to let their problems make me second-guess my decision or ruin my day. Did it make the planning process a whole lot less pleasant? Absolutely. And that still makes me mad. After all, that's a time I can never get back.

However, I do believe there's an upside. I believe that watching what happened to my parents and seeing the mistakes they made increases my chances for a happier marriage. I've seen firsthand what happens when a couple doesn't communicate effectively and doesn't work at their marriage everyday. So I know what not to do. But does it make things any less scary? Heck no.

So I simply have to hope. Hope that I can be different. Hope that I can break the cycle of divorce that has run rampant in my family for three generations now. Hope that my husband and I can find the strength to work at our marriage every single day, no matter how much we may not want to. Hope that I never have to put my kids through what I've been through. Hope. That's what gets us through most of life, doesn't it?

Feel free to share your experiences. I would love to hear if any other ACOD's have struggled with thoughts about their future and fears that their marriage won't work out.

*And in case you were wondering...yes, those are my rings in that picture taken at my wedding :)

A New Future

I view blogs as a way to vent, let loose, express emotions, etc. I view them as a unique view into a person's innermost thoughts. So far I have shared some personal experiences of mine, but due to some serious things that are occuring in my life, I am going to get even more personal. Don't get me wrong--names will be protected, some details will not be shared, etc. After all, this is my family and I respect them enough not to go into details. But my general thoughts and feelings will be shared. And I hope that those of you who have gone through (or are currently going through) something similar will be able to identify with this blog. So here goes....

My parents have announced they are getting a divorce. It's shocking, even just writing it. So many emotions go along with this announcement. Anger, distrust, betrayal, sadness, despair, disappointment, etc. I'm 24 years old, which makes it even more difficult. For 24 years of my life, my family has been one way. And now I have to deal with the fact that things are going to be completely different for the rest of my life. It's a change I didn't ask for. It's very unfair.

I think when we reach a certain point in our lives, like high school or college, and our parents are still married, we feel invincible. If our parents stayed together this long, then doesn't it mean they'll be together for the rest of their lives? Sadly, this isn't always the case. Sometimes you realize your parents weren't happy for a long time. It makes you start questioning your childhood, certain events, basically everything you've known. You almost feel as if your life has been fake. Things were never really as happy as they seemed.

It's been a long journey to this point and it's just beginning in a way. I know I have a long road ahead, as do my siblings. And that frustrates me. When I thought about my future, this was never apart of it. Esp. in my newlywed stage of life. How discouraging it is to be a newlywed and watch your parents' 27-year marriage disintegrate.

I have many more thoughts to share with you all. I feel it's therapeutic for me to be sharing it. And I hope those of you that can relate to this will share your thoughts as well. It's my opinion that there are not enough resources out there for adult children of divorce. And even though it's a small step, I hope this blog will help change that. If you're reading this and know someone who is going through the same thing, I hope you'll share this entry with them. That's what this blog is for.

I only ask that we share our thoughts in consideration of others--I want this to be a comfortable, open, honest outlet for people to share what they're feeling and not be afraid of judgment.

Thank you for listening.