Dealing With The Real Issue

When I first began noticing my parents' downward spiral, I immediately wanted to save them. I wanted to snap my fingers and have them see the error of their ways. I wanted them to see what they were doing to our family, hoping they would turn things around, get counseling, and end up living 30+ happy years together.

Sadly, that never happened. For awhile, I kept hoping that my parents would get back together. They gave us many reasons to believe this, especially when they announced they were separating but still intended to work things out. I talked to both of them individually, trying to get them to see that getting back together was the best thing for them and for our family.

Now, I don't know that I still believe that. Don't get me wrong--I am truly distraught that my parents have chosen this path. It's not what I envisioned for my family and I know it will make our lives much more difficult in the end. But, I've also realized something important.

The divorce isn't what I'm most angry about.

I'm actually most angry at the fact that my parents let things get to this point and that a divorce became an option. I think if we truly examine our situations, many of us ACOD's will discover the same thing. While we're frustrated and upset by the actual process of divorce, our anger came into the picture long before the decision to divorce was made. Our anger was planted as we watched our parents fight (or ignore each other), as we watched them continue to move away from one another day after day. Even if the divorce came as a surprise, many of us saw signs beforehand. And even if we didn't and were completely blindsided by the divorce, we're still angry that our parents actually got to the point where divorce became an option.

My parents getting back together wouldn't have solved their problems or made me any less angry. Because what I'm really mad about is that they couldn't make things work. 

Adjusting to a New Life

I had a really vivid dream last night: I had returned to the home I grew up in (in which my dad and brother now live). I was walking through the various rooms and noticing that all of my mom's stuff was cleared out. It was as if she had never lived there at all. In the dream I was crying and running from room to room, trying to find SOME evidence that she had ever lived there at all. It was as if she had vanished out of thin air, leaving nothing behind.

I don't think this is too far off from reality. Last time I was at my house (it's been months), some of my mom's stuff was in boxes. But not all of it. At that time, my parents were still operating under the guise that they were separated but still trying to work things out (I wish I hadn't believed them). My mom had moved out to an apartment nearby, but it was temporary. At least it was supposed to be. Now I realize that the separation was the beginning of the end for them.

There will come a day soon (and it may be happening right now), when my mom's things wil have vanished from our home. The life I lived for 24 years will no longer exist in that house. Evidence that my parents were married once and really did care about each other will also have vanished. My dad will sell my childhood home and it will be gone forever.

It kills me to think about it. I did have happy memories, despite what's going on with my parents now. And even though my parents are moving forward with the divorce, selling the house only emphasizes the finality of it all. I can't ever get my old life back.

Many people don't seem to understand the struggle I face in trying to adjust to a new life. Quite frankly, they have too high of expectations for me. They expect me to snap my fingers and jump into the new role as a daughter of divorced parents. They expect me to begin talking about my parents as individuals and not as a unit almost immediately. They use language like, "Your dad's house" and "Your dad is planning this, etc", acting as if my mom was never part of the picture. There is no opportunity for me to grieve or adjust. I think that's very unfair. This is all still so new. I need time to move past it.

How have other ACOD's adjusted to their new life? Have others expected you to adjust almost immediately? If so, how did you handle it? Leave a comment here or email me at acod16@gmail.com to share your story.

Picking Sides

Unfortunately I'm not talking about this kind of picking sides...

I've read alot of stories from other ACOD's (that stands for adult children of divorce) and I'll be honest...I'm not sure which is worse: having one parent do the leaving or having both decide to leave. In my case, both of my parents decided on the divorce.

It's been hard because there's not one parent I can confide in. Both have distanced themselves from our family as they deal with their issues. It's not like I can call one of them up and share with them how hurt I am. And that really hurts.

However, I do see how it could be difficult if one parent just up and left. Then you'd almost be forced to pick sides. You'd most likely identify with the one that stuck around and hate the one that didn't. It's almost worse to pick a side because then you get sucked into the emotions of the parent that you sided with. Tell me if I'm wrong, here. I'm curious to know if those who have sided with one parent feel just as lonely as me, whose parents both decided to end the marriage.

Or perhaps both situations are equally awful. Maybe ACOD's are thrust into the middle no matter what the situation. Maybe we are always going to be asked to pick sides. But at least that's one thing we have control over: we don't have to.

Would love to hear from those of you who experienced one parent leaving or cheating...did you feel like it was more difficult to side with just one parent? Are there any like myself who experienced both parents giving up on the marriage? If so, do you feel more lonely as a result? As always, feel free to post anyonymously.

"The Divorce Crazies"

My counselor used this term during our first counseling session. Frankly, it makes complete sense. When people get divorced, they go nuts. There was so much childish fighting, that sometimes you feel like you're the parent. It's a very strange dynamic--your parents make bad choices and you tell them how disappointed you are in them. It's something I'll never get used to--and truthfully, I hope I don't ever get used to it.

This is apparently a very common situation in divorce. Parents get wrapped up in their problems and forget how to be parents. They spend so much time fighting and saying who's wrong and who's right that they lose sight of what's really important: their kids.


So what do you do when you're acting like the parent and your own parents are making bad choices? How do you deal with their childish behavior while still keeping in mind that they are still your parents? I'm not sure how to reconcile the two dynamics. But I do know that the "Divorce Crazies" make us ACOD's feel unsettled and only further emphasize the feeling that our foundations have been stripped from us. It'd be a little easier if I was a child when all of this was happening. At least I would still need to be taken care of. But the fact that I'm an adult makes me feel like my parents don't worry about me as much. "She doesn't need us anymore...she's on her own now. She's married and has her husband to take care of her."

I still do need them, though. That's what they don't realize. I need their support and yes, even their attention, during this time of my life. I still need them to be parents.


Has anyone else dealt with this situation when their parents divorced? Did it ever get better after the divorce was finalized? How did you stand your ground and keep yourself from being brought down to their level?

Counseling: To Go or Not to Go?

I had a very misguided view of counseling prior to my parents' divorce. I believed counselors were for people who experienced really serious problems (like the death of a loved one) or who were really messed up in the head. Not me. Ridiculous, huh? Such a childish outlook.

I've never experienced chronic depression until my parents' problems really surfaced (or at least surfaced to the point where I began recognizing something was wrong). As problems continued, I would get stomaches everyday. My energy levels declined. I began to get more moody and negative. I had changed and I didn't even realize it.

I think the tiredness was what finally hit me. A few months ago, I realized I had a complete lack of interest in everything. The things I used to enjoy doing (hanging out with friends, watching movies, writing, etc.) I no longer had an interest in doing. I was a slug. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull myself out of it. Why bother showing an interest in life or having fun if your family is in shambles? How can anyone be happy when the world around them seems to be crumbling?

My husband finally said something. He told me he'd noticed a change in me and it wasn't good. He encouraged me to get professional help, which come to think of it, must have been so difficult for him. My husband, like most men, is a fixer. He wants to fix everyone's problems. And this was one problem he couldn't fix and moreover, couldn't even identify with. That has been so frustrating for both of us.

I continued resisting until one day, I had a breakdown. I realized that I had a choice: I could either lay down and die or I could get the help I needed and make an effort to live a normal life. Those were my only two choices. And if I decided not to make a choice, I would be choosing to lay down and die anyway.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I was afraid of. Those who know me know that I'm an open book and am not afraid to share what I'm feeling or thinking...which my husband absolutely LOVES (yes, a little sarcasm for you ). But I was still afraid. I was afraid of admitting that I actually needed help. That I was going through something so traumatizing that I couldn't bring myself out of it. That there was something in my life I had no control over. I think that's it. Loss of control. That's one of my greatest fears.

What made me finally take the leap to go see my counselor? I knew there was a chance my life could get better. And despite all my fears, I wasn't ready to give up that chance.

And you know what? She's fantastic. Has she solved all my problems in a few sessions? Absolutely not. We have a long way to go. And I'm still struggling daily to find my "new normal." But at least I have an outlet for which to voice how I'm feeling and she has the tools to help me deal with it. It feels good to know I'm doing something proactive to get my life back on track and to start feeling more like myself again.

We only get one life to live. I don't want to waste it anymore. So I'm taking a stand. For myself. For my life. Because you know what? I have the right to live it.

Have any of you seen a counselor? Was it hard for you to take that initial first step? If so, why?

An Everlasting Marriage: Attainable Goal?

It doesn't seem like anything lasts forever anymore, least of all marriage. Which is ironic, since it is a vow you take in front of God, your family, your friends, etc. But somehow that doesn't stop people from separating. They just don't have what it takes to make the marriage work. But why?

Statistics are high and continuously growing higher. But what's even more scary is that the risk of divorce increases by 50% if one spouse ( just one), comes from a divorced home. I've been thinking about that alot, and if I'm honest, I feel guilty. Guilty for my husband. Guilty because I'm the one bringing the baggage into the marriage. What if I'm the reason it fails?

I know it's not good to think like that. But honestly, what ACOD (adult child of divorce) can't help but think of his or her future and how it will be impacted? I'd be lying if I said my faith in marriage wasn't a bit shaken because of my parents' divorce. They were married for almost 30 years.

 

I had a bit of an unusual situation in that I was watching my parents' marriage fall apart while I planned my own wedding. Talk about uplifting. It took everything I could not to let their problems make me second-guess my decision or ruin my day. Did it make the planning process a whole lot less pleasant? Absolutely. And that still makes me mad. After all, that's a time I can never get back.

However, I do believe there's an upside. I believe that watching what happened to my parents and seeing the mistakes they made increases my chances for a happier marriage. I've seen firsthand what happens when a couple doesn't communicate effectively and doesn't work at their marriage everyday. So I know what not to do. But does it make things any less scary? Heck no.

So I simply have to hope. Hope that I can be different. Hope that I can break the cycle of divorce that has run rampant in my family for three generations now. Hope that my husband and I can find the strength to work at our marriage every single day, no matter how much we may not want to. Hope that I never have to put my kids through what I've been through. Hope. That's what gets us through most of life, doesn't it?

Feel free to share your experiences. I would love to hear if any other ACOD's have struggled with thoughts about their future and fears that their marriage won't work out.

*And in case you were wondering...yes, those are my rings in that picture taken at my wedding :)