Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.

No Apologies

Isn't it funny how we ACOD's feel like we have to apologize? We feel sorry for crying about our parents. Maybe we feel sorry for reacting strongly to an intense situation. Or we're sorry for checking out of our friendships momentarily as we collect our thoughts (and try to regain our sanity) after we've heard our parents have divorced.

The truth is, we shouldn't be sorry for anything.

I was amazed by the intense, raw guilt I experienced after my parents' divorce. I felt guilty if I chose to go a few days without talking to them. I felt guilty for being angry. I even felt guilty for feeling like half a person during one of the darkest times of my life.

You may experience guilt too. Maybe you feel like you should be handling the news of your parents' divorce much more smoothly since you're an adult. Maybe you're mad at yourself for falling apart when you least expected it. It's important to realize the source of these feelings. Are they self-inflicted? Or are others telling you how you should feel? In either case, the feelings of guilt are actually causing you more damage. They're forcing you to try to bury your true feelings and act like everything is okay.

That's what did it for me. Here I was, acting like everything was okay. Finally I said to myself, "this is so not okay." My parents got divorced after 27 years of marriage, subsquently breaking our family apart. How is that ever okay?

So take that guilt and chuck it in the trash. It's completely useless and will only work against you. Give yourself the freedom to react how you want to react, not how anyone else expects you too. And like everything else in life, you can't always please everyone. In fact, you never will. So just try to please yourself and leave it at that. Try to give yourself allowances each day. Allowances to feel what you want to feel...sad, angry, frustrated, happy, whatever it may be. You'll probably feel all those emotions at varying points (yes, even happy). That's what part of makes you human. And it's what shows you that life really is worth living.

So true, isn't it? Being a kid was so easy in some ways...and my life was a whole less complicated.

I find myself repeating these words alot lately: "I wish..." I wish so many things, many of them pertaining to my parents' divorce. I wish that they were still together. I wish the pain and hurt never happened. I wish my family could all be together in one room again, the way we once were.

 Unfortunately, we don't always get what we wish for.

When I focus on what I wish would happen (or didn't happen), I often feel worse. I feel an incredible sense of loss and sometimes that loss permeates my entire being and can drastically change what kind of a day I have. You know, it's funny how it's easier to control what others say to you, but not so easy to control what you say to yourself. My own thoughts are often what derails my progress, not my family.

So how do I focus on the future, while still paying tribute to the family I had for 24 years? First, I think it's being merciful towards myself. Kind of a weird thing to say...but think about it. Are you hardest on yourself during this time? Do you keep telling yourself you could do a better job of dealing with your parents' divorce? In my case, I tell myself to get a grip and act like a 25 year old and not a child. Easier said than done. And you know what? I think that's okay. In fact, I think it's normal.

Give yourself mercy. And then look to the future. Find things to be excited about...whether it's a new job, new place to live, new friends, new significant other, new marriage, what have you. There are still things to look forward to, even if it may seem like you've lost so much. One thing I've been trying to work on is learning that I have more power than I realize. I'm not at the mercy of my family or the crappy situation we've found ourselves in. I have the power to respond to each situation and the power to set boundaries. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do or subject myself to anything that is unhealthy. Do I always live by this rule? Definitely not. But I think it's important to remember, especially given the impending holidays.

Do yourself a favor -- allow yourself to grieve for what you've lost and wish things were different. But set a time a limit. When that limit is up, move on. Do something fun (massages are always lovely) and try to keep your mind off of your sadness. It really does help. Slowly, each day, you'll notice that you're not focusing on the bad stuff as much as you once were.

Any other tips for how to deal with the "I wish..." feelings? Would love to hear from others -- whether through comments or email (acod16@gmail.com).