Sunday, September 23, 2012

Does It Ever End?

Well, I'm back after an especially long hiatus. And I wish I could say things are better between my parents, but unfortunately they're not.

It's been a year since my parents have been divorced (and about two years since they've separated). I thought once they divorced that all the fighting would stop. I thought that things would finally get back to normal since we've been through the worst of it, right? 

That doesn't seem to be the case. Some new developments have occurred which have worsened things between my parents and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. It troubles me that there is so much animosity between them. The divorce and events leading up to it were bad enough, so why does it have to keep continuing after they're finally divorced? All it does it makes things harder on myself and my siblings. I find myself even worrying about the future when my husband and I choose to have kids. Will my parents be able to stand each other long enough to attend a birthday party? Or will they be unable to be in the same room? I don't want their situation to impact my future kids, but at what cost will that entail? I fear some difficult decisions may lie ahead, but also know that I need to focus on my own life and not get caught up in the drama.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Did your parents end up being civil to one another or are they still unable to be in the same room together? How has it impacted your family? Would love to hear from others, whether through comments or email ( 


Sara said...

My parents have been separated for a over a year, and have been in the process of the divorce this entire time. They are on speaking terms, but being congenial to one another in the same room is probably far away.

As far as family functions and that type of thing go, we (my brother, his wife, my husband, and myself) work it out to where we split the holidays between parents. It's not physically possible for us to see everyone for every holiday. For my nieces birthdays, and anything that they would both normally attend, both parents are invited, and if they both come great, if only one or none come, that's fine too. Our philosophy is simply, this is their problem, not ours. If they choose not to put their differences aside for an afternoon for the sake of their grandchild, that's their loss. Is it sad that my niece and our future children might miss out on things with their grandparents? Of course it is! But, again, it was their choice, not ours. They also choose the relationship they have with their grandkids.

MVroom said...

Love your philosophy are so right that it's their problem and they need to put their differences aside for the sake of their grandkids. I hope my parents will do the same when that time comes, but in the meantime will try not to worry about. Appreciate your comments, as always :)

Egle said...

My parents stats: separated for 2 years, divorce process is still going on.

I am 28 and have a son of 9 months and I have the same worries. Will my mom and dad will be able to stay in one room for his first birthday? Will I be able to be with both of them again?

I got an answer here - if they won't, it is their problem. I want my son to communicate with both of them, but at the same time I am worrying, that they will try to influence him to choose sides.

I am tired of all this. Sharing things, childhood house, money. I have never been in good relationship with my mom, and now she wants to be hugged. I can't even force myself to do that. I was always a daddys girl. And he doesn't try to talk about the divorce thing with me or my brother. As my mom does.

I am tired of being blamed that this is my fault, that I don't care about my mom and do not help to gain her all the money that they should share. Tired also of being post bird "tell him this or that". I am so really tired...

I just want this to be finished. In any way.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, I totally get your concerns. My parents have been separated for a little over a year and divorced since March. It was a blindside for all of us, including my mother. I have a 2 yo son and it has been difficult for me to figure out how to ensure he has a relationship with both g-parents. My parents can be civil and in the same room (yea!), BUT, I feel so sad when I see them together (but not "together") that I often avoid situations where this could happen and instead make elaborate plans to split my son's time with them. That's my problem, not theirs, but its still a problem nonetheless. Its a really painful and tense situation, but I think we will reach a more comfortable place with time.

Anonymous said...

My whole immediate family basically fell apart when my parents divorced. I don't speak to my father at all, and barely talk to my mother now. She moved across the country to live with her boyfriend. She hardly talks to my daughter, either. My father was always a narcissistic person, only concerned with himself, and a real psychic vampire. I recently chose to cut him off for the benefit of my mental health and for my own little family. He was just too much of a sorry, negative and mean influence.
My parents do talk to each other via email occasionally, but I was always angry about this because they seemed more civil to each other than to their own children. I'd rather they fought with each other than taking it out on their kids, but that's how it has always been in my family anyway.

MVroom said...

Hi all -- thanks again for your comments and insight. Egle, I am so sorry you're going through all of this. I've experienced those same feelings of beign frustrated and angry with my parents when they want me to comfort them or talk about how difficult their lives are. Anonymous #1 - you are totally right that it's their problem and it's up to us to ensure the health of our family. I will remember that when I begin having children! Anonymous #2 - it's so hard to make the decision to cut off a parent, but it sounds like you did it for the right reasons. My parents also took some things out on their kids at the beginning and it was incredibly hurtful and did result in some of us cutting them off. I think you have to do whatever you can to be healthy, although hopefully you'll be able to reconnect with your father in the future.

Thank you all for continuing to read this blog -- it means so much!

Serenity said...

It really doesn't completely end. It just changes I think.
Right now there haven't been any situations recently where there has been a need to communicate or be in the same "room" so to speak.
Over the years I have found that sometimes things are at a "status quo" and sometimes an event or situation arises where things need to be reevaluated and revisited again and again and again.....
Things that used to be simple just aren't anymore. Sorry Michelle!!


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