Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.

My New Family

As I'm sure you other ACOD's can attest, divorce doesn't just alter your family, it completely changes it from the inside out. Sometimes in a painful, heart-wrenching way.

In my case, divorce has given me a new family. Yes, they're the same people who have been there all along. But it's a new family in that we have new ways (or sometimes lack thereof) of communicating with one another. For example, I only get to see several members of my family at a time. The five of us have not been in the same room together in a long time. I've had to get used to running around to several different places just so I can make time to see all of the members of my family. I've had to get used to having lot's of one-on-one time with each member of my family. It makes me sad at times, but I have to admit that the challenge of it all are what makes my relationships with each individual much richer.

I never used to work at making time for my family. I took it for granted that we all would be together, whether it be around the dinner table, at Christmas or just chilling and watching a movie. That died along with my parents' marriage. Now I have to work to get to know everyone as individuals. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I should already know each member of my family, right? All I can tell you is that it's different when a family is broken. You have to get to know everyone as they are in this new situation. Personalities can be altered and opinions/viewpoints can change.

It's been a challenge, but I can say that the effort I put forth (and the heartbreak I sometimes have over not being able to see everyone all at once) shows how much my family means to me. Despite everything that's happened, it's still worth it to see them. I still need a mother, father, sister and brother. My kids deserve to have grandparents, aunts and uncles who play a role in their lives.

I've learned that life situations or events don't make up a family -- people make a family. Messed up, wholly imperfect people. But still people. People I love and need in my life. Because whether I like it or not, they've impacted my life. And I wouldn't be me without them.

My siblings and I saying good-bye to our beloved dog Nike

(couldn't have done it without them)

My parents and me on my wedding day

In the Spirit of Love

In the spirit of love, today's post is not going to be about divorce or the lack of commitment in today's marriages. Instead, it is dedicated to my wonderful husband, who has truly been there for me through thick and thin. He has been there through the entire ordeal with my family, and still continues to treat them with grace and respect (something I'm not very good at). I know he never reads this, but I'll still say this: Honey, I love you.

To the rest of you: take this time to celebrate the relationships you do have. The people that have stood by you during the difficult times, whether it be spouses, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, etc. Yes, Valentine's Day can be annoying for those who are single (and maybe when you're married too). But I have never been so thankful to have the support of those I love, especially when I'm going through a time where I feel so distant from my parents. To those people: you know who you are. Thank you.

Also...in case you're interested...a study posted in USA Today shows that more people are finding love online these days. Hmm, Match.com anyone? ;)