What People Say

If there's one thing I've learned in my 28 years here on earth, it's that people will always have an opinion about something. And divorce is certainly no exception. As an ACOD, I have been on the receiving end of many rude comments. Here's a sampling:

"You're an adult, so you need to support your parents."

"You don't live at home anymore so this won't affect you as much."

"At least your family was together for so many years."

That last one's the real kicker. If anything, that's what makes the whole process so much more painful. People don't understand that ACODs are grieving a loss of their family. The loss of family rituals. The loss of their foundation. So who's job is it to clue them in?

Not yours.

Let's face it: you're dealing with a lot right now. And the last thing you need is to be held accountable for the emotions you're feeling as a result of your parents' divorce. My suggestion? Just leave it alone. Don't respond and don't engage them in a debate or argument. Neither side will win and it will only make you more frustrated. Not to mention, it'll deter you from dealing with the real issue at hand: your parents' divorce.

So the next time someone says something insensitive, just ignore it. And if you can't ignore it, let them know that while you respect their opinion, they don't understand what you're going through. Leave it at that.

Remember: they feel uncomfortable too. They're trying to find the right words to say and unfortunately, that means sometimes saying the wrong ones. Cut them a break. It doesn't mean you have to sit and listen to them, but recognize whether their intentions are good and they're just going about things the wrong way. If their intentions aren't good, then stay far, far away.

Got any tips for handling rude or insensitive comments? Leave a note below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.

The Gray Divorce Revolution

I came across this article today and was shocked to learn that there is actually a term for my pain. The Gray Divorce Revolution. The fact that there even is a term for this shows that it is becoming a sad trend.

Apparently a study was conducted and found that the divorce rate amongst adults ages 50 years and older has doubled since 1990. Now, 1 in 4 divorces are amongst people over the age of 50. The articles I read attribute this alarming trend to people over 50 being much more active than they once were. Women aren't dependent upon their husbands for financial stability anymore. People are living longer and when they aren't happy at age 50, they want to find something (or someone) that will make them happy.

This is really upsetting to me. Couples build lives with one another, have kids, grow their families and for what? It's unsettling to me that people could be so discontent as to throw away lives they have spent 20+ years building.

As someone who has barely been married two years, I recognize that I don't understand the struggles couples face after a certain amount of years together. The highs and the lows of having children, building a career, etc. But what kind of a marriage would I have if I started out expecting it to fail? I'm not okay with these statistics and I don't think anyone should be. In fact, these stats should make people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to strive for a different life for themselves. Uncomfortable enough to put the work into their marriages and into spending time with one another. These stats are serious and cannot be explained away by saying that people are more active and want to find something new. To me, that's simply selfishness talking.

I'll admit this post is a bit of a rant, but I'm truly sad to see what is happening to marriages in America (in particular long-term ones) and even more saddened by the fact that I've been a witness to this. I'm now apart of a new club called ACOD's and it turns out, this club is not exclusive. More and more people in their 20's and 30's are watching their parents' marriages fall apart. They're being thrust into a life they never could have expected after living one way for so many years.

This Gray Divorce Revolution is not okay and I think more people need to speak out about it. We need to take a stand for the sacredness of marriage, which is being seriously threatened right now.

Got something to add? Leave a comment below or email me at acod16@gmail.com.