What People Say

If there's one thing I've learned in my 28 years here on earth, it's that people will always have an opinion about something. And divorce is certainly no exception. As an ACOD, I have been on the receiving end of many rude comments. Here's a sampling:

"You're an adult, so you need to support your parents."

"You don't live at home anymore so this won't affect you as much."

"At least your family was together for so many years."

That last one's the real kicker. If anything, that's what makes the whole process so much more painful. People don't understand that ACODs are grieving a loss of their family. The loss of family rituals. The loss of their foundation. So who's job is it to clue them in?

Not yours.

Let's face it: you're dealing with a lot right now. And the last thing you need is to be held accountable for the emotions you're feeling as a result of your parents' divorce. My suggestion? Just leave it alone. Don't respond and don't engage them in a debate or argument. Neither side will win and it will only make you more frustrated. Not to mention, it'll deter you from dealing with the real issue at hand: your parents' divorce.

So the next time someone says something insensitive, just ignore it. And if you can't ignore it, let them know that while you respect their opinion, they don't understand what you're going through. Leave it at that.

Remember: they feel uncomfortable too. They're trying to find the right words to say and unfortunately, that means sometimes saying the wrong ones. Cut them a break. It doesn't mean you have to sit and listen to them, but recognize whether their intentions are good and they're just going about things the wrong way. If their intentions aren't good, then stay far, far away.

Got any tips for handling rude or insensitive comments? Leave a note below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Aftershock

Nothing can prepare you for the moment your parents tell you they're separating or getting divorced. Even if you know things between them aren't going well, it's still a completely different experience to hear the words.

We're getting a divorce.

When I heard those words, I also heard this:

We're breaking up the family you've been apart of for 20+ years. Your life will never be the same.

It was absolutely devastating. Even though I knew my parents were unhappy, I still thought life would continue on as it always had. I never actually thought they'd get divorced, especially since they had been together for so long (now I know there is no expiration date for divorce risk).

So how do you react after the words have been spoken? How do you take that first step over the threshold into your new life - a life you didn't ask for?

The answer is...there is no right answer.

All situations are different. We're all going to experience different emotions. Sadness, anger, depression, grief, you name it. And sometimes we experience all of those emotions at once. 

And you know what? That's okay.

The important thing is to let yourself feel what you're doing to feel. Don't try to censor your emotions. Because we're adults, people may expect us to pull ourselves together and act like the news isn't completely devastating. We may be expected to jump immediately on board with this life-changing decision, but who can really do that? After living 20+ years with your family of origin, it's very difficult to suddenly switch gears and start thinking about a new way of life.

These new changes are overwhelming and it's going to take time to process it all. Maybe even years. And you've got to be patient with yourself throughout the process. Surround yourself with people you can lean on and who will support you. Seek counseling. Do what you have to do for you. While it may not seem like it, now is the time to be selfish and focus on getting through one of the most difficult times you may ever face.

With time, you'll begin to see that it is possible to move forward. That it's possible to be happy. And most importantly, you'll realize:

There is life after a parents' divorce.

How did you handle your parents' announcement that they were getting divorced? What tips do you have for other ACODs out there? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Giving up Control

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Ahh, control. A word many of us ACODs are familiar with. Simply because that's what we lose when our parents get divorced.

As I watched my parents' marriage disintegrate, I remember feeling an extreme sense of loss. A loss over the fact that my family of origin would never be the same. But my sense of loss was also attributed to the fact that something awful was happening to my family, something that would have a lasting impact on my life, and I had zero control.

I remember thinking, it would be so much easier if I had been the cause of these problems. Because then I could apologize and we could all move on. It's taken me years to realize that the problems existed from the beginning and there was nothing I could have done differently.

Yet for some reason, us ACODs feel a sense of guilt, don't we? It manifests itself in different ways, but it's there nonetheless. A guilt that we just can't shake, even though we know we're not in the wrong. I felt guilty for not wanting to be around my parents very much in the beginning. I felt guilty because they were hurting, rather than paying attention to my own pain and taking steps to heal from it.

Finally, it dawned on me: I can't control my parents or their actions. 

I can only control how I choose to respond to them.

I had spent so much time trying to control what was happening, trying to talk sense into my parents, you name it. It didn't make a difference what I did and it only left me feeling more frustrated and in greater pain than before. When I learned to stay out of the situation and focus on what I could control, which was myself, I started to see positive differences.

But that doesn't mean it comes easily. I still have to force myself not to get worked up over something related to my parents' divorce. I have to force myself to focus on my own life with my husband. As a stereotypical type-A oldest child, it's extremely hard for me to give up that control. But what other choice do I have? The other road will only bring me greater pain.

To all you ACODs out there: I hope that you'll find the strength to give up control of your family's situation and focus on the things in life you do have control over. You'll never stop caring or worrying about your parents (after all, they did give you life), but you can set boundaries so that you don't get dragged into their problems. You can control how you respond (or not respond) to their actions. 

I'll leave you with this:

Have you been able to give up control in your parents' divorce? If so, how did you get to that point?

If you want to chat about your experiences or need a listening ear, email me at acod16@gmail.com.