Grieving in Circles

The funny thing about grief when you're an ACOD is that it never seems to end. It just goes around and around... and when you think you've conquered the pain, there it is again.

You're grieving in circles.

Brooke Lea Foster said it best in her book "The Way They Were" (one of my favorite books specifically for ACODs. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should). The thing about grieving your parents' divorce is that it's a lifetime process. You may overcome one set of issues, but then a whole new set of issues appears. Maybe you've gotten accustomed to your parents' divorce but then one (or both) remarries. And suddenly there's a new face in the family and life is back to being surreal again. I felt this way when my mom remarried earlier this year (another topic for another post).

There are some who don't think the aftermath of a parents' divorce should be classified as grief. After all, no one died, right? 

Wrong. Something did die - a family unit. 

I'm not making light of those who have experienced death in their family. That's a whole different sort of grief and one that cannot (or should not) be compared to a parents' divorce. But to say ACODs aren't grieving is completely false. We grieve for what our family once was. We grieve for our parents' love - the love that we were borne out of. We grieve for some sense of normalcy, because as we all know, when parents divorce normalcy goes out the window (I like to call it the divorce crazies). Much of our grief doesn't actually stem from the divorce itself - it stems from the fact that nothing is as it once was. And despite the fact that we had no control over the situation, it will impact the rest of our lives.

Where am I going with this? I want all ACODs to know that it's okay to grieve. You need to grieve in order to move forward. If you're going through a parents' divorce right now and you feel silly for crying, being dramatic, acting childish, etc. - don't. It's your family to grieve and no one else's. And even though the grief may go around in circles and appear at times when you least expect, remember that grief is what makes us human. And the only way out is through.

How have you dealt with the grief of your parents' divorce? Or grief over another lost relationship in your life? Share your tips by leaving a comment below. If you don't want to leave a comment but want to talk privately, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Aftershock

Nothing can prepare you for the moment your parents tell you they're separating or getting divorced. Even if you know things between them aren't going well, it's still a completely different experience to hear the words.

We're getting a divorce.

When I heard those words, I also heard this:

We're breaking up the family you've been apart of for 20+ years. Your life will never be the same.

It was absolutely devastating. Even though I knew my parents were unhappy, I still thought life would continue on as it always had. I never actually thought they'd get divorced, especially since they had been together for so long (now I know there is no expiration date for divorce risk).

So how do you react after the words have been spoken? How do you take that first step over the threshold into your new life - a life you didn't ask for?

The answer is...there is no right answer.

All situations are different. We're all going to experience different emotions. Sadness, anger, depression, grief, you name it. And sometimes we experience all of those emotions at once. 

And you know what? That's okay.

The important thing is to let yourself feel what you're doing to feel. Don't try to censor your emotions. Because we're adults, people may expect us to pull ourselves together and act like the news isn't completely devastating. We may be expected to jump immediately on board with this life-changing decision, but who can really do that? After living 20+ years with your family of origin, it's very difficult to suddenly switch gears and start thinking about a new way of life.

These new changes are overwhelming and it's going to take time to process it all. Maybe even years. And you've got to be patient with yourself throughout the process. Surround yourself with people you can lean on and who will support you. Seek counseling. Do what you have to do for you. While it may not seem like it, now is the time to be selfish and focus on getting through one of the most difficult times you may ever face.

With time, you'll begin to see that it is possible to move forward. That it's possible to be happy. And most importantly, you'll realize:

There is life after a parents' divorce.

How did you handle your parents' announcement that they were getting divorced? What tips do you have for other ACODs out there? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Just one of those days...

Having a rough day today. It's one of those days where it hits me like a brick.

My parents are divorced. 

When it hit me today, the pain and sadness came back to me and naturally, I started crying. I felt that extreme sense of loss that permeated my thoughts two and a half years ago when my parents separated. And in that moment, life just felt so incredibly unfair.

It never gets easier does it? The pain of having your family separated never goes away. I don't think it should. But on days like today, I wish I didn't have to feel it.

Hopefully this post isn't too depressing -- I just feel like us ACOD's need to admit when we're struggling and having a bad day. Even though its been a few years, I still have bad days...days where I feel like sitting around and crying. Days where I still can't believe my family isn't together anymore. Days where I really need encouragement from others.

Speaking of encouragement, thank you for the encouraging emails some of you have sent me. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that there are others out there who understand what I'm feeling. And if you're new to the blog or would like to vent (like what I did during this post), feel free to email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Thanks for listening.