Grieving in Circles

The funny thing about grief when you're an ACOD is that it never seems to end. It just goes around and around... and when you think you've conquered the pain, there it is again.

You're grieving in circles.

Brooke Lea Foster said it best in her book "The Way They Were" (one of my favorite books specifically for ACODs. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should). The thing about grieving your parents' divorce is that it's a lifetime process. You may overcome one set of issues, but then a whole new set of issues appears. Maybe you've gotten accustomed to your parents' divorce but then one (or both) remarries. And suddenly there's a new face in the family and life is back to being surreal again. I felt this way when my mom remarried earlier this year (another topic for another post).

There are some who don't think the aftermath of a parents' divorce should be classified as grief. After all, no one died, right? 

Wrong. Something did die - a family unit. 

I'm not making light of those who have experienced death in their family. That's a whole different sort of grief and one that cannot (or should not) be compared to a parents' divorce. But to say ACODs aren't grieving is completely false. We grieve for what our family once was. We grieve for our parents' love - the love that we were borne out of. We grieve for some sense of normalcy, because as we all know, when parents divorce normalcy goes out the window (I like to call it the divorce crazies). Much of our grief doesn't actually stem from the divorce itself - it stems from the fact that nothing is as it once was. And despite the fact that we had no control over the situation, it will impact the rest of our lives.

Where am I going with this? I want all ACODs to know that it's okay to grieve. You need to grieve in order to move forward. If you're going through a parents' divorce right now and you feel silly for crying, being dramatic, acting childish, etc. - don't. It's your family to grieve and no one else's. And even though the grief may go around in circles and appear at times when you least expect, remember that grief is what makes us human. And the only way out is through.

How have you dealt with the grief of your parents' divorce? Or grief over another lost relationship in your life? Share your tips by leaving a comment below. If you don't want to leave a comment but want to talk privately, email me at acod16@gmail.com.

Aftershock

Nothing can prepare you for the moment your parents tell you they're separating or getting divorced. Even if you know things between them aren't going well, it's still a completely different experience to hear the words.

We're getting a divorce.

When I heard those words, I also heard this:

We're breaking up the family you've been apart of for 20+ years. Your life will never be the same.

It was absolutely devastating. Even though I knew my parents were unhappy, I still thought life would continue on as it always had. I never actually thought they'd get divorced, especially since they had been together for so long (now I know there is no expiration date for divorce risk).

So how do you react after the words have been spoken? How do you take that first step over the threshold into your new life - a life you didn't ask for?

The answer is...there is no right answer.

All situations are different. We're all going to experience different emotions. Sadness, anger, depression, grief, you name it. And sometimes we experience all of those emotions at once. 

And you know what? That's okay.

The important thing is to let yourself feel what you're doing to feel. Don't try to censor your emotions. Because we're adults, people may expect us to pull ourselves together and act like the news isn't completely devastating. We may be expected to jump immediately on board with this life-changing decision, but who can really do that? After living 20+ years with your family of origin, it's very difficult to suddenly switch gears and start thinking about a new way of life.

These new changes are overwhelming and it's going to take time to process it all. Maybe even years. And you've got to be patient with yourself throughout the process. Surround yourself with people you can lean on and who will support you. Seek counseling. Do what you have to do for you. While it may not seem like it, now is the time to be selfish and focus on getting through one of the most difficult times you may ever face.

With time, you'll begin to see that it is possible to move forward. That it's possible to be happy. And most importantly, you'll realize:

There is life after a parents' divorce.

How did you handle your parents' announcement that they were getting divorced? What tips do you have for other ACODs out there? Leave a comment below or shoot me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

When People Just Don't Understand

I came across an article in the Huffington Post yesterday and was struck by several things the author said about divorce and the "lessons" children of divorce learn:

It's okay to "fall out of love" with someone. It's not the end of the world if two people don't get along.

My take: Love is certainly complicated and it may be true that some people fall out of love with one another, but marriage should be forever. Love is an emotion that fluctuates from day to day. Choosing to end a family brings about serious repercussions that cause hurt and pain among all family members involved. I recognize there are certain circumstances that bring about a divorce, but it shouldn't be the first option.

You learn how to accept and love the new people who are suddenly a permanent part of your life. 

My take: I'm sure there are ACODs who have embraced a parent's spouse wholeheartedly. And there may be some who took awhile to warm up to that individual. But I'd be willing to bet that most of us feel a sense of resentment about someone new entering the family, especially when we're older. We've had our family intact for a long time, so any change is jarring. Nothing can prepare an ACOD for the emotions he or she will experience when seeing a parent enter a romantic relationship with someone else. Remarriage is a whole other topic (one which I will address in a future blog post).

You get the chance to see the real personality and traits of your parents.

My take: For many ACODs, this is not a good thing. Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people and many of us have had to watch our parents fight with one another, say nasty things behind each other's backs, you name it. It's not easy to watch the two people who brought you into the world turn against each other. In time, we may start to see the positives in our parents' personalities as things level out and they find a new identity, but that often takes many years. Especially if our parents have been married a long time.

Bottom line: no one truly understands what it's like to be an ACOD - not even fellow ACODs.

It's not easy to watch your family fall apart and those who think ACODs have it easier than those who experienced a parents' divorce as a young child are very misguided. If anything, ACODs have it harder in some respects (not all) since parents rarely hold back from letting their dirty laundry air in front of adult children. We see and hear it all and are then told to suck it up and support our parents.

But you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be angry. There is no rulebook for how to deal with a parents' divorce and our emotions are valid. Those who tell you any differently aren't people you should be listening to.

Have you dealt with people who just don't understand what you're going through? If so, how did you respond? Leave a comment below or send me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Mourning the Loss of Your Childhood

On Sunday night, my childhood dog was put to sleep.


I was surprised by how devastated I was by this news. I know it's not strange to care about a pet and it's true that they are apart of the family. But I was shocked by the amount of grief I had over this.


Then I thought about it. And I realized something.


There's more to this than my dog dying (although that is extremely devastating in and of itself). I'm also devastated because my dog represents my old family. The way we used to be. And now that last piece of my childhood is gone too.


Those who read my blog may say, "You always relate everything back to your parents' divorce." And that may be true. No, I'm not sitting around on my couch with a box of tissues and a half-eaten carton of ice cream crying constantly over my parents. But it's impacted my life forever. And I think things will always relate back to it. After all, divorce a monumental change that affects everything in its path.


I've been doing much better with everything and have a healthier perspective, but I still feel sadness, especially in situations like these. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed, even in the past 2 years. And now here's change again, knocking at my door.


Over the past few days I've learned that you just have to let yourself grieve. Whether your parents are divorced, you've lost a pet, whatever it may be. Let yourself feel what you're feeling and don't let anybody tell you any differently.

A Lesson in Grief

Grief.

It's a strange word and one I've become quite accustomed to this past year. It's strange to think about grief when you think about divorce. Up until this past year, I wouldn't have equated the two. Grief was for people who have experienced a death in the family or lost someone they loved. Not for someone whose parents are splitting up. But now I realize how untrue that is. Grief is very real in the midst of a divorce, especially when you're older. You've lived the majority of your life with an intact family and suddenly, that's gone.

So you grieve. You grieve for your family. You grieve for your parents' marriage. But mostly you grieve for the way things were.

In her book, appropriately titled, "The Way They Were," Brooke Lea Foster references studies that show that adult children of divorce experience actual grief, similar to the grief people experience when they lose a family member to death. It makes sense, actually. Because we have lost something. We've lost our parents as a single unit. We may have them as individuals, but they will no longer be together. And that makes everything different.

By the way, I highly recommend Foster's book, "The Way They Were." This is the only relevant book I know of for adult children of divorce. (And you can download the ebook from Barnes & Nobles for $10).

The important thing here is to allow yourself to grieve. So many people (including myself) push their grief away. It doesn't help that many share the same viewpoint: "you're an adult...so deal with it" (and some may actually say this to us)! But the truth is...it's a huge change. It's traumatizing. And we need time to grieve for what once was, knowing that at some point we will have to move on. So let yourself grieve. Don't listen to anyone who tells you differently.