Seeing Your Parents Together...When They're Not.

Can anything prepare you for the first time you see your parents together after their divorce?

I would venture to say no.

I'll never forget the anxiety I experienced the first time I saw my parents together after the divorce. It was at my sister's graduation from law school and I knew it was now or never. My parents had been divorced for over a year at this point and hadn't seen each other in just as long. My husband and I were traveling with my dad and would meet my mom at the graduation (she had the tickets). 

As we approached my mom, I felt incredibly nervous. My palms were sweaty and my heart rate was up. What would my parents say? How would they react to one another? How would I deal with it all? Was it going to be strange the entire time or would I get used to it after a little while? Would I cry? Dear Lord, please do not let me cry in front of all these people.

In the end, my parents were polite and cordial (they even took pictures together with my sister) and while it was definitely awkward, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Maybe that's because I had spent the past few years preparing for this moment. And maybe, deep down, I knew this was my new reality and I dealt with it as best I could. Either way, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sad? Absolutely. But horrible? Nope. 

That first meeting also prepared me for my brother's college graduation a year later, when the entire family of five was together for the very first time in three years. We took pictures, we exchanged a few laughs, and then everyone went their separate ways. But nothing can change the sadness I felt and will continue to feel every time I see my parents together in the future. Having my whole family in one place brought back tons of memories for me. And it made me sad to think the five of us will never share those memories as a unit again. Yes, we'll make new ones. But it won't be the same.

I recognize that for some of you, this first meeting is still in the distant future. Maybe your parents just announced their divorce or maybe they're going through the process now and you can't imagine that they'll ever be able to be in the same room again. Shockingly, they will. And everyone will survive. Trust me. 

And if you're reading this and you know you'll be seeing your parents together soon, here's my advice: breathe. Know that you will get through it. You're stronger than you realize. After all, your parents got divorced and you're still standing, right? 

Right. You got this.

For those of you who experienced the dreaded first meeting, I'd love to hear your stories. How did you handle it? Were your parents civil to one another? What advice would you give to ACODs preparing to see their parents together for the first time after the divorce?

When People Just Don't Understand

I came across an article in the Huffington Post yesterday and was struck by several things the author said about divorce and the "lessons" children of divorce learn:

It's okay to "fall out of love" with someone. It's not the end of the world if two people don't get along.

My take: Love is certainly complicated and it may be true that some people fall out of love with one another, but marriage should be forever. Love is an emotion that fluctuates from day to day. Choosing to end a family brings about serious repercussions that cause hurt and pain among all family members involved. I recognize there are certain circumstances that bring about a divorce, but it shouldn't be the first option.

You learn how to accept and love the new people who are suddenly a permanent part of your life. 

My take: I'm sure there are ACODs who have embraced a parent's spouse wholeheartedly. And there may be some who took awhile to warm up to that individual. But I'd be willing to bet that most of us feel a sense of resentment about someone new entering the family, especially when we're older. We've had our family intact for a long time, so any change is jarring. Nothing can prepare an ACOD for the emotions he or she will experience when seeing a parent enter a romantic relationship with someone else. Remarriage is a whole other topic (one which I will address in a future blog post).

You get the chance to see the real personality and traits of your parents.

My take: For many ACODs, this is not a good thing. Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people and many of us have had to watch our parents fight with one another, say nasty things behind each other's backs, you name it. It's not easy to watch the two people who brought you into the world turn against each other. In time, we may start to see the positives in our parents' personalities as things level out and they find a new identity, but that often takes many years. Especially if our parents have been married a long time.

Bottom line: no one truly understands what it's like to be an ACOD - not even fellow ACODs.

It's not easy to watch your family fall apart and those who think ACODs have it easier than those who experienced a parents' divorce as a young child are very misguided. If anything, ACODs have it harder in some respects (not all) since parents rarely hold back from letting their dirty laundry air in front of adult children. We see and hear it all and are then told to suck it up and support our parents.

But you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be angry. There is no rulebook for how to deal with a parents' divorce and our emotions are valid. Those who tell you any differently aren't people you should be listening to.

Have you dealt with people who just don't understand what you're going through? If so, how did you respond? Leave a comment below or send me an email at acod16@gmail.com.

Four Years Later...

Four years.

That's how much time has passed since my parents' separation (their divorce came a little later than that). The reason why I remember that it's been four years is because my parents separated soon after my own wedding and my four-year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching.

You may be asking, has much changed in four years?

My answer? Yes...and no.

Well, that's not really much of an answer.

It may seem like it isn't, but trust me, there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm here to tell you about it.

I started this blog about three and a half years ago, right as I was truly beginning to process my parents' separation and eventual divorce. It was painful. And very raw. I put myself in a vulnerable place. And you know what I got in return?

A community of ACODs (adult children of divorce) just like me.

(yes, there's actually a term for us - see?)

It comforted me to know I wasn't alone - that I wasn't the only young adult going through this terrible journey. And it's that same community that has brought me back to the blogging world once more. 

There's another very important reason I've returned to blogging. After four years, there are still very few resources for adult children of divorce. A simple Google search will reveal that. And that's not okay. We need more resources and support. After all, this problem is only growing. Divorce later in life is becoming a trend. In fact, they actually put a label on it: gray divorce. 

Which means there are a growing number of ACODs left to pick up the pieces.

So I'm back. And with some new perspectives (four years of dealing with your parents' breakup will do that to you). But one thing hasn't changed: it still sucks to be an ACOD. 

If you're reading this blog and thinking, but I'm not an ACOD that's okay. You've most likely dealt with a relationship (family, spouse, friend) that hasn't gone the way you expected. Or a loss of that relationship. A theme we can all relate to.

One last thing:

My goal is for this blog to serve as a resource and a support for others going through similar situations. I want others to feel free to share their thoughts here, anonymously or not. That's why you'll see a chat box on the right side of the page. Feel free to ask any question, answer a question, vent, you name it. 

And if you don't feel like leaving a comment on the blog but want to chat, you can always email me at acod16@gmail.com. I'm checking my email regularly now and would love to respond to your message and share my thoughts. Or just listen - sometimes we need that too.

So with that, here we are. As any ACOD knows, it's a wild ride with no guidebook or freshly paved trail in sight. But it's a journey and we're in it together. 

And that counts for something.