Thursday, March 24, 2011

Divorce is...

Divorce is many things. Messy. Unfair. Selfish. Heartbreaking. Cowardly. The "easy" way out. There are so many ways to describe it. But each emotion relates back to the pain we feel as ACOD's.

Another word I would use is confusing. I think many of us are often confused by our parents' actions during this time. If our parents are separated, we're confused by the fact that they're not officially divorced, but not living together. If they're getting a divorce, we may wonder why it's taking so long. Or we may be confused by how quick the process took. In my case, I've felt nothing but confusion over the way my parents have handled things. The separation was confusing because the intent behind it was not to divorce, but rather to work on things. But how can you work things out if you can't even live together under the same roof? (would love to hear stories from those of you whose parents separated and did work things does happen!) Regardless, while my parents intended to work things out they continued to lead very separate lives. And that confused me even more. It almost felt like they were divorced.

Now they're in the process of getting divorced and it's even more confusing. I'm not quite sure how to respond to them as individuals and not a unit. I almost want the divorce to be finalized now so I can start dealing with my new life. Is it strange to think that way? I used to hope for them to get back all I want is for them to become officially divorced.

There's just too much pain and confusion. Sometimes parents do a pretty decent job of explaining things to their kids. Of not dragging them into the mess. Other parents do a horrible job. It seems they'll do anything they can to drag their kids into the middle. All it does is make a difficult situation unbearable.

It's like a constant elephant in the room: mom and dad didn't make it. You feel awkward around your parents (so bizarre). In a way I feel like I'm starting over and learning how to communicate with my parents for the very first time. I thought I knew them so completely well. Now I'm realizing I have to get to know them again...separately. And if I may be so honest (when am I ever not, right?), I'm not ready to do that. I don't want to get to know them again. I want to continue knowing them as they once were.

But I can't. So I must choose: live in the past or move forward with my parents in the present.

I'm not ready to make that choice.

You know the drill. Comment or email me at I'm here to listen.


Shell said...

This blog really hit me.
That has to be tough that they separated and then decided to get divorced. I am not saying that just going with divorce first is any easier to deal with but at least you have less expectations for them to work it out.
I am going to see my mom the end of April and I can only imagine how awkward it will be trying to keep conversation positive as well as staying in the house I grew up in with both my parents.
I did not even think about the learning how to know them separately.
You know you cannot live in the past but I know what you mean, I do not want to think about the future of my Dad and Mom having seperate lives.

MVroom said...

I can really sympathize with your situation, Shell. It is really difficult and awkward. I hope all goes well with your Mom and that you're able to continue moving forward despite the tough situation.

paige said...

my little ones seem to be confused too... i know we explained that granny & gramps were getting a divorce & what that would mean, and then a week later, my son asked why they weren't visiting us at the same time this winter...


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